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Blog Description:

This blog is about the curious relationships between the opposite sex.
Blog Added: August 02, 2007 04:19:18 PM
Audience Rating: Parental Guidance
Blog Platform: WordPress
Blog Country: Belgium   Belgium
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Blog Rating: 2.94
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The high risks with a separated man

Recently, I met a man who told me he was just separated with his wife. It’s been only three months they have separated, and he’s still live with her and their two children, even though they share a house and an apartment in order to live apart from each other. He told me he went...

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Recently, I met a man who told me he was just separated with his wife. It’s been only three months they have separated, and he’s still live with her and their two children, even though they share a house and an apartment in order to live apart from each other. He told me he went to several dates since his separation. One of his dates didn’t want to pursue with him after that. I guess she felt the same way than me. I fear he would realise sooner or later his mistake and come back to his wife. His date was seeing other men, and she told him she decided to pursue a relationship with one of them. I just tell him I don’t see a positive evolution with him as he’s still lives with his wife and he shares with her many mutual friends. He told me he would spend his summer going with their friends abroad where his wife would be there.

Some women don’t bother to date a separated man, because they know he feels alone and hurt. But he also has a lot of resentment from his previous relationship. He may not be emotionally available. My date, for example, didn’t ask many questions to me when we matched on Tinder. He didn’t even try to google me.  He just said he wanted to meet him to see if we could be compatible. I already had some bad intuitions about our meeting.

Some of my dates did their homework before meeting me for the first time. One of them is a CEO, who always looks for informations about the person he will meet. It’s a good way to make the person feel interesting. I told him I ran at the time two blogs, and he read both of it before meeting me  and asked questions about it. He was one of the best dates I’ve been so far.

But I don’t say it’s always ill-fated to date a separated man, because it depends on how it ended, and also where he sits in his life.  A friend of mine left his previous relationship and wanted to live closer to his work. So when it was over, he moved out. He didn’t have many friends in common with his ex, who could have acted a cement between her and he. He didn’t have any child with her. So he had a fresh start in his new home town, and he wanted to share his experience with a new partner.

So, if he tells you he’s separated, ask questions about why it ended, and how he’s interacting with his future ex-wife. These are precious indications. But the most important is the way he treats you. If he doesn’t do what he promises, if he leaves you without contacting you for weeks, if he criticises you out of the blue and makes you feel belittled, if he cheats on you, maybe he’s not worth your time.



Do all men come back to their ex?

“All guys come back to their ex, in some ways”. That’s what I heard recently in a bar. From my experience, I can tell that all of my ex’s didn’t come back to me.  There are some who completely disappear from my life and it’s been years, decades even, since we broke up. One of...

“All guys come back to their ex, in some ways”. That’s what I heard recently in a bar. From my experience, I can tell that all of my ex’s didn’t come back to me.  There are some who completely disappear from my life and it’s been years, decades even, since we broke up. One of them was a foreign student during my College year. He went back to his country after finishing College. I’ve never heard about him anymore. One of them was a friend. We used to hang out a lot when we were in High School, but after we broke up, he didn’t want to speak to me anymore.

But that was before Facebook. None of them tried to reconnect with me through that social media. Post Facebook, I’ve noticed my ex’s who are still among my “friends” sometimes like my posts and pictures. But they don’t initiate contact with me. They don’t ask if I’m doing good, but they see it on Facebook.  That social media makes us lazy…

There are some who only wish me a happy birthday and a happy new year. And that’s all they have to say.

So, it seems Facebook has done a good job of allowing ex’s to remain in contact. In some forms of contact.

Ex’s who really come back to me are an exception in my life. But two of them are just friends with me now.  “If he really comes back into your life, it’s because he’s your soulmate” says one of my friends.



The St Bernard

A St Bernard type of personality is characterised by a will to do everything to save the other. Those who work in the medical profession like MD, nurses, social assistants, …are prone to this kind of personality. But in relationship, it could backfire. I met recently a guy who told me he was a saviour....

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A St Bernard type of personality is characterised by a will to do everything to save the other. Those who work in the medical profession like MD, nurses, social assistants, …are prone to this kind of personality. But in relationship, it could backfire.

I met recently a guy who told me he was a saviour. He just got out of a relationship with a bipolar woman. “She was everything I want from a woman, except she was really violent with me” he told me. He added he lost a lot of money to help her during his relationship with her. And he gained 22 pounds during his relationship, as if he wanted to protect him from her. He also told me he was seeing a psychologist. “Why did you choose a woman who was fragile?” I asked him. He replied he thought he could change her.

It’s foolish because bipolar personality can’t be healed by love, unfortunately. Bipolar people often end alone so yes, you can feel guilty to leave them alone. But sometimes, it’s best to take your distance. “My wife and her sister don’t speak to their dad anymore. He’s bipolar, and when he’s in his “up” period, he harasse them on the phone. He even showed several times at their office just to speak to them. He got beaten in the street, several times, by men. I guess he insulted them. One day, we fear he will die like that” said one of my friends.

St Bernard people hope to change positively their significant other. They choose people with a addiction like drugs or alcohol (or both), who have mental problems, financial problems, … with the hope to save them. It may work in short term, because those with an addiction can stop to use drug or drink alcohol. But there is always a risk they could return to their addiction.  Some people with financial problems can be always caught in those problems, especially those who are shopping compulsive. Yet, they stay in the relationship, ever if the relationship is toxic for them. One of my friends often cries when she speaks about her significant other, who is toxic to her. But it’s been seven years now they are together, and she doesn’t want to leave her, even though she started to cheat on her significant other. My friend is always broke because she pays everything for her significant other, who often get fired from her job.

But sometimes, we search for familiar situations in our relationship, which related to our difficult childhood. St Bernard people are not immune from this.

 



The feelings after a breakup

After a breakup, we don’t deal the same way with our emotions. It depends on the way the breakup happened. If the breakup was mutual because you realised you don’t love each other anymore, you can feel released and free. It’s not the same when the breakup wasn’t mutual. One of my friends doesn’t deal...

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After a breakup, we don’t deal the same way with our emotions. It depends on the way the breakup happened. If the breakup was mutual because you realised you don’t love each other anymore, you can feel released and free. It’s not the same when the breakup wasn’t mutual.

One of my friends doesn’t deal well with a breakup. Usually, she sees all the men she dated turn cold and avoid her, until they say it’s over. And it drives her nuts. She sends to her ex’s many many messages. She stalks them on social medias, and comments every post. She’s jealous every time a woman post a comment on her ex’s profile. But it’s her way to deal with the breakup, because after three months of harassment, she usually realised she doesn’t feel anything for her ex’s anymore. Maybe it’s a way for her to understand it’s really over. But I suspect her ex’s help her in some ways, by not replying to her messages, by telling her to leave them alone, and by unfriending her on Facebook and other social medias. Has she found someone who would rebel against her behaviour but found this exciting, she would have had difficult to move on.

Some people feel rage against their ex when it’s over. But it’s kind of normal if the breakup was brutal, and if our ex didn’t take any glove to tell us it’s over. For example, if the breakup happens after an argument. Or if your future ex tells you he/she found some one else. You feel as if  the world collapsed below your feet. It’s difficult to remain calm after this.  Some people will try to harm their ex, while other will just cry. Some people can feel depressed after a painful breakup. They don’t want to go out anymore, and live in the numbness in the background.

This phase is temporary. Most of us jump back on our feet after that. If it’s not  the case, maybe it’s the sign you’re into depression. Seek help.

Some people will try to get back with their ex. They will try to get her/him jealous, or beg their ex to take them back. But it’s not a good strategy, because even if our ex comes back into our life, it will be because he/she feels jealous or guilty. Needless to say, it’s a shaky and fragile ground to start back your relationship. It’s against all odds. Especially if your ex left you for someone else. Chances are he/she’s in love, and won’t hesitate to ignore you.

What’s the best way to deal with a nasty break up? Cry if you want, go cut his tires, trash his garden, … But then, focus on yourself. Spend time with your friend, find a new hobby, hit the gym, give your time for those in needs,…In all cases, spend your time away from your ex. It won’t help you to move on if you’re constantly hooked to your ex. You may realise you neglected your friends and  family, too numb by the breakup.

And no, women are not idiot because they can’t deal well with a breakup like my friend. It’s just their way of dealing with the breakup. Men may stay calm after a breakup, but their feeling will pinch them sooner or later.

 



Love at first sight

Love at first sight can happen between two persons. Usually, at first, we feel a strong attraction to the other one, but we try to deny our feelings. Because it can happen we are struck by love at first sight while we’re already in a relationship, married, with children. It’s difficult to resist to that...

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Love at first sight can happen between two persons. Usually, at first, we feel a strong attraction to the other one, but we try to deny our feelings. Because it can happen we are struck by love at first sight while we’re already in a relationship, married, with children. It’s difficult to resist to that feeling even though you will lose your marriage in the process. But our feeling is so strong we don’t even think about the consequences of your act. People just follow their heart when they are struck by love at first sight.

But does it mean it will last forever? Love at first sight can be not mutual, and it can die quickly because the love isn’t met. When it’s mutual, it’s not guaranteed to last either. Because as the biologist Helen Fisher says, love lasts only two years. After, you start to get annoyed by your partner. What you found so charming at the beginning suddenly turns you off.

It can even fizzle before the two years period. One of my friends left her long term relationship for a married man who decided to divorce for her (in fact, it was his wife who wanted a divorce), but unfortunately, their relationship only lasted six months, because they didn’t come from the same social circles, and their relationship was not validated by their family and friends, as they thought my friend just lost her mind. Eventually, my friend’s lover left her for another woman. So the feeling may be high at the beginning, but the landing can be really hard.

The person you just see across the room now and who seems illuminated by a halo may not be a great match for you after all. It’s only a physical attraction, with a need to know everything about our significant other. Men are more driven by this kind of feelings than women, as they are visual creatures.

But only the long run can tell if your love at first sight can last. True love takes time. The New York Times wedding sections relates many cases when the bride and groom took their time to fall in love and decide to get married.

Only fools rush in.



A compromise on sex

When we love someone, we avoid to communicate our significant other our sexual preferences, unless he/she asks for it. Sometimes, it’s obvious, because we don’t want to touch our significant other and prefer to masturbate next to him/her. But sometimes, it’s not obvious. We may be driven into playing doctor/nurse with our partner, or into...

When we love someone, we avoid to communicate our significant other our sexual preferences, unless he/she asks for it. Sometimes, it’s obvious, because we don’t want to touch our significant other and prefer to masturbate next to him/her. But sometimes, it’s not obvious. We may be driven into playing doctor/nurse with our partner, or into threesomes, hard sex, outdoor sex, BDSM, golden shower,… But it may turn our partner doesn’t  share at all our sexual preferences.

And that’s how you can end up into a sexless relationship, because your significant other think you’re not into sex.

In any case, it’s best to be honest with your partner, and to reveal your sexual preferences sooner or later. It’s also best to be honest with your partner if you don’t want to touch him/her anymore about the reasons you don’t want to.

On the blog “School of life”, there’s also an advice interesting: write down what you expect from sex, and ask your partner to do so. You may find some common points in your lists. And it’s a good way to communicate with your partner. Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, we can’t think rationally and hear our partner.

I don’t think we can find someone who likes 100% of our list of sexual preferences. So in a sense, there’s always a compromise to do, even with sex. It’s not good either if you accept everything your partner wants without receiving anything back. Sometimes, people do accept because they feel they would lose their partner. It’s not a good idea to accept a threesome because your significant other wants to, or go to swinging places because he/she wants to, and you don’t. You may not enjoy the experience if  you’re not into that.

But there are always some common points with your significant other. If not, ask yourself if you made the right choice.

Besides, some people are more turned on by sexting, erotism, … rather than sex in its physical form.



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