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Randi Fine's Love Your Life Blog

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  • Randi Fine
  • August 25, 2015 01:11:18 AM
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Randi Fine, author, counselor, and radio show host shares 100's of articles on Self Help, Spirituality, Relationship Advice, Mental Health Issues, and many inspiring picture quotes for you to share.

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The Narcissistic Abuse Addiction Connection

The Narcissistic Abuse/Addiction Connection When: Friday June 21, 2019 from 6pm-7pm ET Where:The Bob Paff Show on WCBM Radio Who: Randi Fine, Show Guest What: A discussion on live radio about the connection between addiction/alcoholism and childhood narcissistic abuse How … Continue reading...

The Narcissistic Abuse/Addiction Connection

  • When: Friday June 21, 2019 from 6pm-7pm ET
  • Where:The Bob Paff Show on WCBM Radio
  • Who: Randi Fine, Show Guest
  • What: A discussion on live radio about the connection between addiction/alcoholism and childhood narcissistic abuse
  • How to Listen: Either download the WCBM app on your Android or IPhone, or tune in from WCBM.com


What the @#$%? is Wrong With My Family

What the @#$%? is Wrong With My Family Narcissistic abuse expert Randi Fine discusses the chaos, confusion, and madness of growing up in a narcissistic family, and the lifetime impact it has on adult children.

What the @#$%? is Wrong With My Family

Narcissistic abuse expert Randi Fine discusses the chaos, confusion, and madness of growing up in a narcissistic family, and the lifetime impact it has on adult children.


Surround Yourself with Good Vibrations

Surround Yourself With Good Vibrations Written by Randi Fine, The attraction we have to other people is often felt immediately upon meeting them. Think about the people you know or have met in your life who seem to naturally draw other … Continue reading...

Surround Yourself With Good Vibrations

Written by Randi Fine,

The attraction we have to other people is often felt immediately upon meeting them. 
Think about the people you know or have met in your life who seem to naturally draw other people to them with an unexplainable magnetism.  These people give off a vibe that makes those around them feel, comfortable, happy, and energized in their presence. They exude an inviting sense of compassion and support.  Open-hearted, authentic, kind, and  loving people seem to have a harmonious air around them. In the workplace, those that enjoy their jobs give off happier vibes then those who do not.

By contrast, we have all experienced meeting people for the first time who make our skin crawl, give us the creeps. What about the psychic vampires who, just by being in their presence, seem to suck our energy and drain us or make us feel ill? Some people instantly put us on guard and make us feel attacked or demeaned. We may find ourselves questioning their intentions and feel uptight, guarded, and anxious around them. Have you ever had the sense that you needed to get away from someone but you did not know why you felt that way?

Whenever we come into contact with another person we exchange energy. The energy that other people emanate can profoundly influence our health and our state of mind.

The energy that surrounds each and every one of us, as it does all conscious matter including plants and animals (and non-living matter such as stones, crystals, and water) is called our aura.

The human auraaura3 consists of seven layers, reflecting aspects of our being such as health, vitality, emotions, psychological patterns, and spiritual nature. Auras are specific to each person. They are our spiritual signatures; reflections of who we are at any given time, changing with our fluctuating moods, attitudes, and intentions.

The aura that surrounds each of our bodies, often referred to as “The Human Energy Field,” is a collection of electro-magnetic radiation consisting of microwave, infrared and/or ultraviolet light. It normally extends between three and eight feet out from our bodies, though it could be more or less. It is said that the radius of Ghandi’s aura was over a mile.

The colors and intensity of our aurasaura have very special meanings. The colors perceived by the eyes, or special instruments that can see them, appear as a spectrum of light ranging from shades of red to shades of violet. They can also be brown, black, or white.  It is the shade and intensity of the color that reflects a positive or negative condition. Brighter, lighter auras indicate  levels of optimism, spirituality, and health. White is the perfect color, the Divine Light, perfect balance and harmony. Duller colors may indicate blockages, unresolved issues, illness, guardedness, fatigue, and negativity. Black auras can reveal a  range of human conditions. A clear, jet black aura often appears in energy workers and can signify mystery, power, dignity, and potential. Dull black may denote an unkind or dishonest nature, but can also represent insecurity, depression, fear, grief, poor health, secrecy, or deception. This is what is manifested when there is a disconnection from, or disruption of, the flow of our life source.

The aura is a reflection of the nature of our body and soul. Auras can be vibrant, expansive, and beautiful, or they can be close to the body, murky, and threatening.

Our aura is our personal bodyguard.aura4 It is important that we keep strengthening our auras in order to protect ourselves against energy zappers and illness.  Our auras can be strengthened through meditation, healthy living, and sunlight. Chanting, and listening to comforting, relaxing music such as classical, religious/spiritual, or new age are healing tools. The use of positive affirmations that resonate with our spirit can be a very effective way to keep our auras strong and healthy. It is very important to eliminate negative thoughts and unnecessary stress from our lives.

There are many other ways to accentuate the positive energy in our lives; smudging with sage, essential oils, flower essences, crystals, and bathing or swimming in salt water are a few more examples. We should always be mindful of or limit our exposure to negative people, places, and things.

Be selective about the vibes you allow into your personal space. Keep your life in a positive light.


Narcissistic Triangulation Sabotages Sibling Relationships

See column on the right side of this website labeled Narcissistic Personality Disorder  for a complete  list of all NPD related articles and videos. Narcissistic Parents Divide Their Children Through Triangulation Written by Randi G. Fine Author of Close Encounters … Continue reading...

See column on the right side of this website labeled Narcissistic Personality Disorder  for a complete  list of all NPD related articles and videos.

Narcissistic Parents Divide Their Children Through Triangulation

Written by Randi G. Fine

Author of

Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: The Narcissistic Abuse Survivor’s Guide to Healing and Recovery

Conflict is a normal part of family dynamics. The fact that a family argues from time to time does not make it a dysfunctional family unit. What makes a family dysfunctional is the emotional pain and confusion that prevails among its members. Those who grow up in this type of household become saddled with a lifetime of emotional struggles. Some of these struggles are easy to identify, some are not.

Families influenced by narcissistic parents are always dysfunctional. Due to the plethora of crazy dynamics that exist within the family unit, there are many casualties suffered by the children. Not only do they suffer as individuals, the relationships between the siblings suffer as well.

It would seem as if siblings suffering together under the strains of crazy parenting would naturally bond together for support, but that does not usually happen in families headed by narcissistic parents. It is no accident that one of the casualties of the NPD family is the relationship between the siblings.

Narcissistic parents are not capable of loving their children. Children are simply a source of “Narcissistic Supply.” The relationship NPD parents have with their children is one of control and manipulation. There are many tactics used to accomplish that.  One common one is called, “Triangulation.”

Triangulation is a deceitful tactic used by the NPD parent to control and manipulate the balance of power in the family system. The goal is to keep the siblings from collaborating in ways that might interfere with his or her calculated objectives. Everything boils down to insuring the parent’s narcissistic supply. Like addicts, narcissistic parents cannot survive without it. They need constant replenishment and will stoop to any level to get their “fix.”

To gain control over the information flow in the family, narcissistic parents create indirect communication between the siblings, putting themselves in the role of “go-between.” In doing that, they control the content of the information, the way the information flows, and the way it gets interpreted. And there are more benefits; with everyone relating directly to them, these parents are always in the information loop and always remains the center of attention.

Since NPD parents cannot prevent all communication between the siblings, they try to create conflict and mistrust between them. They will fabricate information, tell lies, and confide separately in each child, and then tell them to keep secrets from each other. The parent may badmouth one sibling to another. The parent may share information with one sibling, hoping that it will get back to another one and create drama. NPD parents take great pleasure in the upheaval they can create among family members.

NPD parents maneuver in ways that they can never be called on, whether it be the way they carefully phrase their words or the fact that they are careful to make sure no one else witnesses their behavior. They forever remain the innocent. Should anyone try to call them on their behavior, they will erupt into narcissistic rage. Since this rage terrifies the children, over time they learn to do everything and anything within their means to avoid it.

Because of the dynamics of the NPD family, the children easily fall prey to the manipulations of their NPD parent. Attention from the NPD parent, whether positive or negative, is a rare commodity that each sibling must vie for. One sibling’s loss becomes another sibling’s gain. The relationship between the children is sacrificed as each one selfishly competes for scraps of affection and favor from the parent; attention that gets switched on and off at the parent’s will.

Further upsetting the balance of affection doled out to the children is the fact that NPD parents assign roles to their children. There is usually a golden child, one who seems to get the most praise from the parent, a scapegoat, one who is blamed for everything that goes wrong in the family, and an invisible child, one who gets neither praise nor blame. These roles are not always stationary. They can shift at the NPD parent’s will.

NPD parents train their children well; the hold they have over them when they are young continues well into their adulthood. That will not change until all the children realize and accept that their parent’s destructive behavior is responsible for all the problems that exist between them.

Adult children of narcissistic parents become a very powerful force if they can unify against their abuser, though this rarely happens. If they do the NPD parent lose all control over them; a fate narcissists fear worse than death.

Other Podcast Shows on Narcissistic Personality Disorder:

Podcasts


Recognizing Codependent Behavior

Are You Codependent? Recognizing and Healing From Codependency Written by Randi Fine I am a fully recovered codependent of over thirty years. While in the midst of my disorder, life was a series of one painful, traumatic event after another. … Continue reading...

Are You Codependent?

Recognizing and Healing From Codependency

Written by Randi Fine

I am a fully recovered codependent of over thirty years. While in the midst of my disorder, life was a series of one painful, traumatic event after another. I did not recognize my problem or begin to heal from it until I hit bottom; when there was no where to go but up.

Codependency is a disorder that develops over time. Dysfunctional childhood patterns that interfere with the person’s ability to form healthy relationships lie dormant for many years; the problem only surfaces once the person begins to experience adult relationships.

Codependents do not usually recognize that their behavior is unhealthy, and so they go from one unsatisfying toxic relationship to another.  These relationships always end in heartbreak without the codependent ever understanding the primary role he or she played in its demise.

Codependents fear vulnerability. They feel undeserving, not worthy of having others meet their needs, so they put themselves in the role of perpetual caregiver. They believe that they must earn love to get it; fear that if they do not measure up to others’ expectations they will be abandoned. Their fear of others’ being angry with them and/or rejecting them largely determines all their actions and reactions within the relationship.

Codependents often they feel as if they do not deserve a better relationship than they already have. They fear giving up the false security it provides them, therefore resign themselves to always settling for second best. At the same time that they are feeling these insecurities, codependents may become angry because they are also feeling used and unappreciated by those they are trying desperately to help. When they do attempt to stand up for themselves, they feel guilty because they are taking rather than giving. They become trapped in a maze of heartbreaking confusion and disappointment.

Codependent people do not know that love is not supposed to be painful. I grew up in a drama laden, angry home where my parents fought constantly. What was so confusing is that they often told me and my sisters how much they loved each other.  That made a deep impression on my developing mind; somewhere along the line that twisted message translated into “love hurts.” I grew up believing that true love was supposed to be painful; all my adult relationships reflected that way of thinking. Every one of them was drama laden and traumatic. Crazy as it seems, even as I think back from a healthy perspective, I thought that pain proved the depth of a couple’s love and commitment to each other.

Codependents believe that they have to have another person in their lives in order to survive. What they do not realize is that they have an addiction and the object of their affection is their drug. They believe to the core of their being that what they feel is deep love and that their behavior is loving, but they do not love in a healthy way. What they perceive as love is in fact parasitic neediness.

Codependent people must learn to get their emotional needs met without making
others dependent on them.  They must also learn to give up their job as a people pleasers.  The healing process reinforces that taking care of their own needs before the needs of others does not make them selfish people.

Codependent behaviors prevent us from finding peace and happiness with the most important person in our lives–ourselves. Codependency is a mental health issue that can only be healed if it is recognized. Recovery is about learning to establish healthy
boundaries in all areas of life.

Though codependency is an addiction, it is one can be fully recovered from. Once recognized it takes lots of time, patience, and support to heal from. It also takes honest reflection and great determination, but all efforts are worth it.

Great freedom and serenity comes with the healing. No longer codependent, people can easily embrace positive feelings like love, happiness, and fulfillment. They can give when they want to; not out of insecurity or the expectation of others.

Many people enjoy helping and caring for others. The thing to remember in all our relationships is that there should always be balance and compromise.

Podcast Shows on this topic:

Other articles on this topic:


The Process of Narcissistic Parental Alienation

Parental Alienation The Alienation Process feeling betrayed or rejected by the targeted parent revenge, jealousy, fear, insecurity, anger using the children as pawns to get a better divorce settlement badmouthing the rejected parent speaking negatively about the rejected parent, to … Continue reading...

Parental Alienation

The Alienation Process

  • feeling betrayed or rejected by the targeted parent
  • revenge, jealousy, fear, insecurity, anger
  • using the children as pawns to get a better divorce settlement
  • badmouthing the rejected parent
  • speaking negatively about the rejected parent, to or in front of the children
  • inaccurately or untruthfully telling the children about the rejected parent, or suggesting they are unsafe or dangerous
  • exaggerating minor flaws in the rejected parent
  • inappropriate confiding adult information with the children
  • interfering in the children’s contact with the rejected parent, such as throwing out their gifts and letters
  • calling excessively during the time with the rejected parent
  • forbidding any reference to or photos of the rejected parent
  • scheduling activities that compete with the rejected parent’s time with the children
  • monitoring or forbidding communication or time with the rejected parent


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