People having bad reactions, psychologically, mentally, and emotionally is 7 times greater with verbal abuse than it is even with sexual abuse. They are at greater risk for mental illness and dysfunction later in life from verbal abuse than from … Continue reading...

People having bad reactions, psychologically, mentally, and emotionally is 7 times greater with verbal abuse than it is even with sexual abuse. They are at greater risk for mental illness and dysfunction later in life from verbal abuse than from almost any other kind of abuse. ~Dr. Phil McGraw

In Memory of September 11, 2001 May we never forget the beautiful souls who tragically died that day in a senseless tragedy on American soil. May we always be diligent in protecting our country from those who so desperately want … Continue reading...

In Memory of September 11, 2001

May we never forget the beautiful souls who tragically died that day in a senseless tragedy on American soil.

May we always be diligent in protecting our country from those who so desperately want to harm us, and stand united against them.

May we insure that this never again occurs in the land of the free.

May every American citizen feel safe on their own land, and be free from those with evil intentions.

May we always be blessed, protected, and loved.

May we send prayers to the families who lost their loved ones that day and pray for all the souls who passed.

MAY WE ALL PRAY FOR PEACE.

More on September Eleventh: http://randigfine.com/remembering-september-eleventh/

Remembering September 11, 2001 Seventeen Years Later Article by Randi G. Fine Most of us remember where we were and what we were doing when we heard about a plane crashing into the North Tower of the World Trade Center. … Continue reading...

Remembering September 11, 2001 Seventeen Years Later

Article by Randi G. Fine

Most of us remember where we were and what we were doing when we heard about a plane crashing into the North Tower of the World Trade Center. Eighteen minutes later, before we could process what had just happened, we watched in horror as it happened again to the South Tower. Then only thirty-seven minutes later another plane crashed into the Pentagon, twenty-two minutes after that the South Tower collapsed, and four minutes later a plane a crash landed in a Pennsylvania field. Twenty-five minutes after that the North Tower collapsed. The incomprehensible, horrific catastrophe took just 102 minutes (one hour and forty-two minutes). Seventeen years later, many still live the nightmare.

CNN.com reports as of July 2018, that according to the medical examiner’s office 1,642 (or 60%) of 2,753 WTC victims’ remains have been positively identified. Ten-thousand others were injured, several critically. The death toll continues to rise among first responders who died from inhaling the toxic smoke and ash at Ground Zero.

I am devoting two shows on A Fine Time for Healing to the commemoration of all who were lost or injured on September 11, 2001 and their families. These shows will focus on turning tragedy and loss into something positive, and how to get your life back after experiencing life altering traumas. Both guests are inspiring women who were directly impacted by the 9/11 tragedy, but in very different ways.

You can either tune in live at 11am ET or listen to the recorded versions any time after they air by clicking on the links provided below. I do hope you will take the time to hear what these amazing ladies have to say.

September 11, 2018 – Grieving Losses with 9/11 Ground Zero Therapist Edy Nathan

Today is September 11th. Seventeen years after the 9/11 tragedy that impacted the lives of every American in some way, it’s important to realize that thousands who were directly affected by this darkest of days are still carrying an unimaginable burden of grief day after day. Today’s special guest, world renowned grief psychotherapist Edy Nathan, LCSWR, was one of the only women therapists at ground zero where she was called upon to apply all of her skills to negotiate the ocean of hopelessness, loss and destruction. According to Nathan, everyone’s experience of trauma, abuse, or the loss of a loved one is as unique as a fingerprint, and in truth, you never really get over the resulting grief but learn to integrate it into your life. In Edy Nathan’s newly published book  It’s Grief: The Dance of Self-Discovery Through Trauma and Loss she says grief, trauma and loss can strike in a moment, today, or from a long past memory retrieved—and disrupt the norms in every part of your life.  Her practical insights can help you get your life back.

September 13, 2018 – The Light in 9/11 with September Eleventh Widow Lisa Luckett

Entrepreneur, mother, and 9/11 widow Lisa Luckett was one of thousands whose life was forever-altered that fateful day. With the clarity that only comes with time and distance, Luckett discovered the resiliency and beauty of the human spirit and vowed to not allow her husband’s death to be in vain by making something positive rise from the ashes of this tragic nightmare. With a warrior’s will, Lisa Luckett took the opportunity to reframe her struggle and pain into a fast track for personal growth and positive change for herself and for her young family. As a 9/11 widow and breast cancer survivor, Luckett knows the value of life’s struggles and sees the silver lining in every situation and wants to show others how to fight for emotional stability and mental health. From her enlightened understanding, Luckett is living her life head-on, displaying her now mantra, “Choose Courage.” For the past 15 years, Lisa Luckett has extensively studied and analyzed the human condition from macro to micro, local to global, personal to cultural. She brings her vast life experience and the wisdom gained from delving in and dissecting personal traumas, events, and life-situations to better understand her world and the people in it. Luckett is the Founder of Cozmeena Enlightened Living – a brand of kindness. Cozmeena is a lifestyle brand and social movement based on the foundational elements of warmth, comfort, care, consideration, grace, and decency. The Light in 9/11: Shocked by Kindness, Healed by Love is her first book.

 The “Religion” of Love Originally posted on 11:11 Awakening Code It has no fabric, only understanding. It has no membership, save those who know they belong. It has no rivals, because it is non-competitive. It has no ambition it seeks only … Continue reading...

 The “Religion” of Love

Originally posted on 11:11 Awakening Code

It has no fabric, only understanding.

It has no membership, save those who know they belong.

It has no rivals, because it is non-competitive.

It has no ambition it seeks only to serve.

It knows no boundaries for nationalisms are unloving.

It is not of itself because it seeks to enrich all groups and religions.

It acknowledges all great Teachers of all the ages
who have shown the truth of Love.

Those who participate, practice the Truth of Love in all their beings.

There is no walk of life or nationality that is a barrier.

It seeks not to teach but to be and by being, enrich.

It recognizes that the way we are may be the way of those around us because we are that way.

It recognizes the whole planet as a Being of which we are a part.

It recognizes that the time has come for the supreme transmutation, the ultimate alchemical act of conscious change of the ego into a voluntary return to the whole.

It does not proclaim itself with a loud voice but in the subtle realms of loving.

It salutes all those in the past who have blazoned the path
but have paid the price.

It admits no hierarchy or structure, for no one is greater than another.

Its members shall know each other by their deeds and being and
by their eyes and by no other outward sign save the fraternal embrace.

Each one will dedicate their life to the silent loving of their neighbor
and environment and the planet, whilst carrying out their task,
however exalted or humble.

It recognizes the supremacy of the great idea which may only be
accomplished if the human race practices the supremacy of Love.

It has no reward to offer either here or in the hereafter, save that of the infallible joy of being and loving.

Each shall seek to advance the cause of understanding, doing good by stealth and teaching only by example.

They shall heal their neighbor, their community and our Planet.

They shall know no fear and feel no shame and their witness shall prevail over all odds.

It has no secret, no arcanum, no initiation save that of true understanding of the power of Love and that, if we want it to be so, the world will change but only if we change ourselves first.

Addictive Personalities Conclusion of a Three Part Article Written by Randi G. Fine Deep down inside people with addictions know that what they are doing is wrong. They know that their behaviors, choices, and actions are hurting them and their … Continue reading...

Addictive Personalities

Conclusion of a Three Part Article Written by Randi G. Fine

Deep down inside people with addictions know that what they are doing is wrong. They know that their behaviors, choices, and actions are hurting them and their loved ones. But the need to feed their addiction supersedes everything else in their life.

To perpetuate their addiction they must deny that the substance, compulsion, or habit has anything to do with what is going wrong around them. That is why they become very defensive when confronted with their behavior. There are a variety of defense mechanisms used by those with active addictions.

Denial

Denial is a defense mechanism in which a person is faced with a fact that is too uncomfortable to accept and rejects it instead, insisting that it is not true. The ability to deny that he or she has such a strong emotional attachment to his or her addiction of choice is largely what enables an addict to continue the addiction despite overwhelming evidence. The more severe the problem, the more denial there usually is.

Repression

Repression is the conscious mechanism those with addictions use to completely tune out the fact that they have a problem. They simply stop acknowledging the addiction to themselves and others.

Minimizing

With minimizing, those with addictions will acknowledge that something is wrong but not want to make a big deal out of it. When confronted by others they rationalize that others are placing too much emphasis on the problem; that it’s not nearly as bad as others are making it out to be.

Toxic Shame

Toxic shame is used by those with addictions to avoid taking responsibility for their problem. They see themselves as flawed and never measuring up; like their whole life has been a mistake. They believe they are victims of their past. Because they feel defective, they seek something that will make them feel better, but it is a hole they can never fill.

Blaming and Shifting Blame

Blaming is similar to toxic shame in that those with addictions avoid taking responsibility for the problem. They may accept some of the responsibility for their problem but believe that others are more to blame for it. They may act like victims, shifting the blame for their addiction onto the situation they are in or the people they are with. They don’t look at how they contribute to the problem. This gives them a sense of entitlement to use their substance since they are not to blame for doing it.

Rationalizing

Rationalization is used to explain away the consequences of their addictive behavior or choices. They rationalize that whatever happened would have happened regardless of their addiction. For example: The factors that led to the car accident would have caused it to happen whether he or she was intoxicated or not.

Deflection

When confronted about their addiction addicts may use deflection to take the focus off of themselves. They do this by bringing up the other person’s shortcomings, similar activities that the person may partake in, or behavior the person may have exhibited in the past. For example, alcoholics might remind people that they have no room to criticize their drinking because they drink too.

Normalizing

Wanting to feel normal, since they feel so shameful for their behavior, they surround themselves with others who abuse the same substance and have the same level of addiction.

 Grandiosity

Most people with addictions suffer from low-self-esteem. Aware and shameful that they are messing up their lives, they use “Grandiosity,” the unrealistic inflation of their sense of self, as a defense mechanism to hide their feelings of vulnerability and low of self-worth. They may have low self-esteem yet still believe they are better than other people.

Compartmentalizing

By compartmentalizing their addiction they are able to display the behaviors expected of them for windows of time. This fools them and others into thinking that they have control over their lives.

Controlling

Those with addictions try to control everything and everyone around them, believing it will get them what they want. When others don’t cooperate they become even more controlling. It is delusional; they believe that what they are doing is going to work even though it rarely does.

Undoing

People with addictions will demonstrate destructive behavior and then try to “undo” it by apologizing, offering gifts, or promising that they’ll never do it again. They do this to distract others from the real problem; from the fact that they have an addiction.

If you recognize signs of an addictive personality in yourself there are steps you can take to prevent it from spiraling out of control.

1. You must admit that there is a problem. Take responsibility for your thoughts and actions. Be honest and objective in your assessment of it. Surround yourself with a good support system.
2. Learn to face your feelings whether good or bad. Don’t put them on the back burner, stuff them inside, ignore them, or medicate them. Allow yourself to experience whatever emotions come up.
3. Arm yourself with knowledge; research your problem so you will not have to fear it.
4. If you can discontinue the addictive behavior without needing medical intervention, begin weaning yourself off of it. Cigarette smoking and overeating both fall into this category. If you are addicted to a substance such as drugs or alcohol, get professional help immediately. You cannot stop these habits without medical supervision.
5. Join a support group with people who share your particular addiction. It helps to know that you are not the only one dealing with it. If you would like to try attending a twelve-step meeting, find out where and when they meet in your area. There are 12-step support groups for every kind of addiction imaginable. To find one search “List of Twelve Step Programs.”

Be kind to yourself. Replace negative or destructive behaviors with positive ones. Set goals and reward yourself for reaching them. Find healthy ways to be happy whatever they may be. Take a class in a hobby or something that interests you. Surround yourself with positive people; weed toxic people out of your life. Learn how to reduce stress in your life in ways that are beneficial to your overall well-being. Learn how to meditate. Take long relaxing baths. Take a yoga class or learn how to practice it on your own. Take walks. Go to the gym.

If you want to head in the right direction, all you have to do is keep walking forward.

The Addictive Personality Part One

The Addictive Personality Part Two

Addictive Personalities Part Two of a Three Part Article Written by Randi G. Fine Much has been written about genetic predisposition and its relationship to addictive personalities. Having an addict in the family does not guarantee that everyone in the … Continue reading...

Addictive Personalities

Part Two of a Three Part Article Written by Randi G. Fine

Much has been written about genetic predisposition and its relationship to addictive personalities. Having an addict in the family does not guarantee that everyone in the family will become addicts. But many believe that hereditary factors can raise a person’s level of vulnerability to substance abuse or other addictions. That may explain why some gamble in moderation and others compulsively—why some can drink for enjoyment and others become alcoholics.

It does seem as if those with the genetic predisposition will engage in some type of excessive behavior but will not necessary choose the same stimuli they have been exposed to. Adult children of alcoholics may never drink but they may become addicted to gambling. Children of drug addicts may exercise excessively or be workaholics.

There is no single gene that determines a person’s susceptibility to addiction. Studies comparing identical and fraternal twins estimate that genetic factors account for 40 to 60 percent of the occurrence of the gene variation.

Researchers have discovered a number of genes that link to addiction through DNA testing. One gene causes dizziness and nausea from smoking and is more present in non-smokers than smokers. Alcoholism is rare in those who have two copies of the ALDH2 gene. Other genes have been linked to narcotic dependency.

Variants in certain genes have been shown to suppress dopamine signals in the brain. Those with these blunted receptors have the need to seek higher levels of stimulation to reach the same level of pleasure as those who don’t have the variants. DNA testing can offer vital clues in battling addiction but the use of it is very controversial. The concern is that some may use this information for discrimination purposes.

It comes down to the nature versus nurture argument. Environment and upbringing are believed to be equally important in shaping the personality. Our life circumstances and emotional experiences may have more influence than our genetic make-up does. Under this theory no matter our chemical make-up, we still have the ability to choose and control our actions.

There are factors that may indicate a higher risk of developing a serious addiction. People who have difficulty thinking about the long term consequences of their actions are more susceptible to developing an addiction. So are those who do everything in excess and/or to extremes, and those who habitually substitute one compulsion for another. For example, stressed out workaholics may come home at the end of the day and start drinking to help them relax. They may use cybersex because they don’t have time for real relationships. They may stress-eat.

Those with addictive personalities are most vulnerable during periods of heightened stress such as adolescence and times of transition. People who suffer from mental illnesses, emotional disorders, and personality disorders are highly prone to addiction as well. Without being aware that they have a condition, they may self-medicate to manage emotions using substances or behaviors to relieve whatever discomfort they may feel.

Nonconformists, non-achievers, and those with deviant personalities are also prime candidates for addiction. Many adult addicts report having been subjected to deprivation or overindulgence in their childhoods. Others report that they were negatively impacted by their parents’ constant, unpredictable fluctuation between over-praise and over-criticism.

Addictions are unmanageable, excessive, and repetitive. The addiction activity begins harmlessly with a pleasurable experience, but over time more and more of the activity is needed to achieve the same effect. People become dependent on the high they get and find it difficult to stop the behavior. If deprived of their fix they will find a substitute. If forced to stop the behavior they will suffer physical or psychological symptoms of withdrawal that compel them to resume the addiction. Over time they lose the ability to cope with life without the addictive stimuli.

People with addictions will deny that what they’re doing is detrimentally affecting them while work, family, and social relationships suffer and their health declines. Their desperation often lead them to take extremes in getting the fix, which ultimately creates financial and legal issues.

Addictions can be classified as hard or soft. Hard addictions, also known as substance addiction, are categorized by the rapid affect they have on many aspects of the person’s behavior as well as the effect they have on everyone around him or her. Abuse of alcohol, barbiturates, and narcotics are usually the source of this type of addiction. This is different than substance abusers who use from time to time. Substance addicts spend every waking moment finding ways to buy and use drugs or alcohol.

With soft addictions the abuser uses activities that are harmless to most people. The consequences of those behaviors are not immediately felt. Cigarette smoking and coffee drinking are two commonly known examples of soft addictions. It is much easier to hide soft addictions and cover up the behaviors that result from them. But soft-addictions have the propensity to lead to more serious addictions down the road.

Gambling is another common example of a soft addiction. Gamblers with addictive personalities go through three stages. In the first phase, also known as the winning phase, the person has control over his or her behavior. The second stage is known as the losing phase. In this phase the person begins gambling alone, gambling large sums of money, and borrowing cash to pay off mounting debt. The third phase is called the desperation phase. In this phase the gambler engages in more risky, sometimes illegal behavior. In desperation he or she may borrow money from non conventional sources.  Depression and attempted suicide are common in the third phase of gambling.

Other examples of soft addictions are eating disorders such as anorexia, bulimia, and compulsive over-eating. Though there are other factors that contribute to this type of behavior, it can develop into pathological behavior that is very similar to addiction. The anorexic fixates on the goal of losing weight. Once the person begins dieting he or she finds it very hard to stop. Those with bulimia are after the same goal as those who are anorexic , but the mode of operation is different. Instead of limiting their diet they binge on large amounts of food and then purge it before their bodies have the chance to digest it. Compulsive eaters are not concerned with weight loss or weight gain, though the disorder often results in obesity. They have a compulsive urge to eat, whether hungry or not.

Something as beneficial as exercising can become a preoccupation or addiction to those who are predisposed to having one. Running is the most prevalent; runners are known to get a runner’s high and can become dependent on it. This is attributed to mood-enhancing chemicals called endorphins that are released during exercise. An addiction occurs when the exercise activity is used as an escape or a coping mechanism. It’s a problem when it becomes so excessive that the body suffers injury, and when it negatively impacts relationships.

Compulsive buying falls under the category of soft addictions. Those who do it are addicted to the buzz it gives them. It has nothing to do with what they are buying, it is simply their drug. They buy only for the sake of buying without ever intending to use it. Those with this disorder often suffer from other disorders such as depression, mood swings, and anxiety. Buying gives them temporary relief, but after they do it they feel heightened anxiety and intense guilt. One study showed that twenty percent of compulsive buyers suffer from an eating disorder as well.

The two newest additions to the soft-addiction category are Internet abuse and cell phone abuse. They are more prevalent in younger generations, though there is a significant number of older people who develop these addictions as well.

Those who have an Internet addiction, also known as pathological Internet use, find they cannot control their usage of it. They may be drawn to online games, social networking sites, or other online sites, and will spend an excessive amount of time there. The use becomes an addiction when withdrawal symptoms such as mood changes are suffered when they are away from it.

Some people become addicted to cyber relationships. A problem occurs when these relationships are used to avoid face to face, interpersonal interactions. This addiction can lead to social, psychological, and work or school problems.

A recent study shows that those who are addicted to cell phone use display behaviors very similar to those with addictive personalities—low self-esteem, approval seeking, insecurity. Cell phones have become indispensable in our lives, but they can reinforce the tendency of over-attachment for those with addictive personalities.

The Addictive Personality Part One

The Addictive Personality Part Three