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This just in... The post Matt Walsh Has Mental Breakdown After Going 24 Hours Without Absurd Outrage appeared first on Cheese Puppy.
Sources inside the Norman Bates Center for Mental Health located in White Pine Bay spoke with local media, confirming the rumors swirling on Twitter that super popular right-wing blogger Matt Walsh had checked himself into the facility last Friday evening.
Walsh had apparently been spotted by various individuals wandering around town in his bathrobe and bunny slippers, mumbling to himself and shaking his fists at the heavens. On several occasions he stopped long enough to verbally accost a group of people, ranting incoherently about how life was meaningless and how he felt as if he had no purpose.
After discovering reporters knew his whereabouts, Mr. Walsh agreed to do an interview to shed light on his recent breakdown and raise awareness for a new crisis facing our great nation: a lack of outrage.
Sitting outside at a picnic table, working on a picture of Baloo and Mowgli from an adult coloring book, the hard-as-nails Walsh yanked a few bricks out of the proverbial wall and allowed us to take a rare glimpse into what drives him to do what he does every day.
“I woke up Friday morning and jumped on Twitter, as I do every day, scouring my newsfeed to find something, anything, that might piss me off enough to write a few scathing rants before lunch. I kept scrolling and scrolling and scrolling, past CNN, Fox News, MSNBC, the Times, sure I was seconds away from finding something asinine, unimportant, and minor in significance to irritate me. But after two hours of looking around, I hadn’t found a single damn thing to be mad about.”
Walsh stopped coloring and raised his head up, staring blankly off into the abyss as he recounted the thoughts that shredded his mental stability and sent him spiraling down into a sea of despair.
“I opened up a Word document, which I intended to use for a post, believing that I could think of something that might stir up my creative juices. I kept forcing myself to picture President Obama signing Obamacare into law. I conjured images of gay men kissing, even thought about all of the Commie ba!@#$&! on my Twitter feed who lob insults at me as if they were hand grenades. Nothing. Nothing worked.”
“It was like, every time I tried to tap into the deep well of rage buried inside, when I attempted to channel that 70-year-old cranky S.O.B. that dwells deep within to help me get worked up over something senseless, something that I could get people chatting about online, I’d end up thinking about my wife or my kids. Some fun, sweet memory of playing with blocks, or going on date nights would pop in my head and this awful wave of contentment would wash over my soul. It was horrible.”
By now, Walsh was in tears, knees pulled up to his chest, rocking himself back and forth on the bench.
“Do you have any idea how horrifying it is for a rage hound like myself, someone who makes their living through the art and science of outrage and melodrama, to feel happiness and contentment? I suddenly couldn’t catch my breath. Sweat was pouring out of places in my body I didn’t know sweat could come from. My heart was going a hundred miles an hour. I had slowly begun to realize that without being needlessly pissed off and writing about it, I had no purpose, nothing to live for.”
The conservative pundit said that without being an angry, miserable wretch and blabbing about it online, there was a hole left in his soul, a gaping nothingness with a void so deep he thought for sure he’d be consumed by the darkness.
Fortunately, Walsh is receiving new treatment where his medical team just yell vulgar, empty insults at him, coupled with a live daily reading of the news. He’s slowly, but surely setting aside his contentment and rediscovering his identity, which is rooted deeply in being a man who can be mad at just about anything, warranted or not.
We’ll keep you posted on his recovery in the coming days.
The post Matt Walsh Has Mental Breakdown After Going 24 Hours Without Absurd Outrage appeared first on Cheese Puppy.
Now it all makes sense... The post Liberal Pundit’s Mom Discovers Shrine to Dana Loesch in Basement appeared first on Cheese Puppy.
The mother of brilliant liberal thinker Jeff Black made a shocking discovery Friday night in the basement of her home, which currently doubles as Black’s swinging bachelor pad.
Mrs. Black, trembling and visibly disturbed, invited reporters into her home to discuss the bizarre findings uncovered in her son’s “lair,” as he prefers it to be called. What you are about to read might disturb you.
She led journalists and photographers down a dark flight of stairs aligned with creepy, soft glowing candles on either side, into the basement where one entire wall was covered in various photographs of conservative firebrand —and massive gun fanatic — Dana Loesch, a woman Black purportedly despised with a “passion so hot it could melt the sun.”
“When I heard some strange noises I came down here, and I saw Jeffy standing in front of this shrine to the crazy gun lady, wearing this thick, black bathrobe with a hood on, muttering some phrase over and over in a foreign language, as if he were saying some sort of prayer. What really freaked the number two right out of my bowels was what he was doing with his hands…”
Black, horrified, called out to “Jeffy” and asked him what the “Sam hill” he was doing, startling the lefty pundit.
“He spun around real quick and yelled real loud ‘MOMMY!?!? Why the beep — he said the mother of all bad words, you know the one — didn’t you knock? I told you I was having special Jeffy time!’ To which I replied by asking what the crap was going on.”
Black was mortified by literally getting caught with during his “special Jeffy time,” confused and unsure whether or not he should spill the beans about his extracurricular activities, fearing she would be like Will Smith’s parents and just not understand.
“After fifteen minutes of trying to coax Jeffy to tell me what was going on, I brought out the big guns. I made him a plate of cookies, poured a glass of milk, and even washed his favorite footy pajamas. He broke. I felt a little like that Jason Bauer fella from that one show, the 24 Identity or something.”
“Anyway, Jeffy finally broke down and admitted that he was madly in love with this Dana girl and that he badly wanted to birth her children. I love my Jeffy but he’s not exactly Rowan Atkinson when it comes to looks, so he knew he’d need extra help to get her attention.”
Mrs. Black said her son first attempted to catch the eye of Loesch by repeatedly abusing her on Twitter, acting like she was a first grade girl on the playground with cooties because she supports the Second Amendment.
“You know how little boys sometimes act ornery with little girls they think are cute? That’s all my little Jeffy was doing. He wasn’t really being mean, he had a crush and reverted back to being a five-year-old. I hope she didn’t take anything he said personally.”
“After his initial booboos didn’t result in a pledge of unfettered declaration of love from his dream girl, he turned to witchcraft, selling his soul to Bezelbub. My Jeffy isn’t smart like that Woody Gump guy in that Bob Hanks movie, and doesn’t speak or read Latin. Turns out he got duped and lost his soul.”
Jeffry’s dear mama told reporters that the Prince of Darkness gave him a spell designed to make a man do unmentionables to himself until he dehydrated and died, thus enabling Satan to immediately claim his soul.
Mr. Black’s memorial was held the following day with his mother and pet hamster Fluffles being the only attendees.
The post Liberal Pundit’s Mom Discovers Shrine to Dana Loesch in Basement appeared first on Cheese Puppy.
Matt Walsh, the diehard Catholic right-wing blogger, has officially broke bad and joined his former nemesis in the Democratic Party, a twist so shocking it even faked M. Night Shyamalan … The post Matt Walsh Becomes Democrat After Liberal Woman Calls Him a **** on Twitter appeared first on Cheese...
Matt Walsh, the diehard Catholic right-wing blogger, has officially broke bad and joined his former nemesis in the Democratic Party, a twist so shocking it even faked M. Night Shyamalan out of his underpants.
Reporters recently caught up with Walsh outside of the county Democratic Party headquarters where he was preparing to purchase some Bernie Bro gear and asked him about the stunning switch.
“The people are dying to know what would convince a delusional bigot who believes in silly nonsense like absolute truth, God, morality, and other common sense things, to turn Benedict Arnold and join the opposition?” asked Barry Blohaad from SnappyHappyPolitics.Com.
Walsh chuckled and said, “Well, you’re never gonna believe this, but, uh, I got into an argument with this troll on Twitter, and after three hours of being called a rather lengthy, creative, and original list of nasty names and being told I deserve to die of cancer, I was convinced her liberal positions were far superior to my own. She was truly an artist weaving a masterpiece of obscenity and mean-spirited tomfoolery so elevated above anything I’ve heard before that I was simply left stunned.”
The current Daily Wire contributor said this individual, who wished to remain anonymous, has completely changed his understanding of interpersonal communication and has opened his eyes to how foolish it is to waste time formulating well researched and evidentially supported arguments to be discussed and debated, especially when you could just call someone a “pile of dogs!@#” and they’d immediately jump on your team.
“This woman truly changed my life forever,” Walsh said, pulling out a tissue to wipe away the tears streaming down his cheeks. “I no longer have to spend hours on end reading books, watching news, listening to podcasts, and studying culture and all that other junk to win an argument. I mean, I can actually see my kids again. All I have to do is just whip out a few classic and deeply offensive insults and BAM! My job is done! This gal has revolutionized communication. Thanks to her, we’ll never see another civil debate online ever again. Not that we ever really saw one before, but you get what I mean.”
Walsh is scheduled to make an appearance at a local Antifa rally, but said he would only be participating in verbal violence instead of the physical assault activities protestors have planned.
The post Matt Walsh Becomes Democrat After Liberal Woman Calls Him a **** on Twitter appeared first on Cheese Puppy.
An Ohio man burst into tears Wednesday evening outside of a local high school basketball game as police questioned him about a shooting inside the stadium that left 15 people … The post Man Claims Gun Leapt Into His Hand and Threatened to Kill Him if He Didn’t Open Fire appeared first on Cheese...
An Ohio man burst into tears Wednesday evening outside of a local high school basketball game as police questioned him about a shooting inside the stadium that left 15 people with a bullet lodged in their rectal region.
Harry Butkiss is told authorities — through gushing rivers of snot and tears — that he was at home, preparing to clean his guns as he does every Wednesday night, when his AR-15 suddenly started threatening to blow his “cojones” off if he didn’t make like a good little boy and give him a ride to the game, as he was “thirsty for blood and death.”
Sitting on the curb wringing his hands, Butkiss recounted the chilling events that transpired between 5 PM and 8 PM on that cold February night.
“After it threatened to blow a hole in my doo-dah, I was sorta dumbfounded, scared s!@#less, if ya don’t mind me bein’ frank with ya. Well, i just sorta shook it off and start cleaning my Glock 9mm pistol, when all of a sudden a fully loaded magazine for my AR shot off the table and loaded straight into the rifle. At this point I was pretty sure some pee was coming out of me, but before I could check the ole nithers the AR, who said his name was Larry, jumped into my hands and pointed the barrel at my wiener weasel.”
Mr. Butkiss, stopped for a moment to compose himself and continued on, saying ” He then used some sort of mind control power to put my finger on the trigger and started to make me squeeze. My whole life flashed before my eyes, and I, uh, well I’m a mite embarrassed by this part, but I screamed “Rape!” like a girl really, really loud. Larry just laughed and told me he’d spare my manhood if I’d take him to the school so he could, and I quote, ‘slake his thirst.’ So that’s what I did.”
Butkiss admitted that he’d recently stopped taking his antipsychotic medication and that when he submitted his information for a background check to purchase the AR, the FBI “winked” at his previous record of mental illness, stating that since he hadn’t killed anyone it wasn’t a big deal.
After Butkiss walked into the gymnasium, Larry the Angry AR yanked his arms up and gleefully sprayed the crowd with lead. Fortunately, he’s a piss poor shot and only managed to wound 10 people in their moneymakers.
An a man in the crowd — who wished to remain anonymous — said that while Butkiss held the gun in his hand and smiled a devilish grin while the bullets bounced off the walls, he was positive the gun was exerting some sort of evil force over him, making him just another victim in the shooting.
“It really wasn’t the guy’s fault. It was, beyond a shadow of a doubt, the wicked sorcery of that rifle that’s responsible for this horrific incident. See, if we weren’t so dang stupid, we would follow in Australia’s footsteps and ban these monstrosities so crap like this would stop happening.”
When asked if he too was off his medication since he believed that an inanimate object could, apart from human intervention, pull off such a blood bath, the man declined to answer.
Sent. Tom Wailing wasted zero time in making this shooting political, taking to Twitter and demanding that anthropomorphic guns like Larry be banned and dismantled immediately.
“Look, this incident is all the evidence we need to prove that guns, not people, are responsible for these terrible tragedies unfolding all across the country. Enough is enough. The public demands we stop exercising our First Amendment right to pray and take some real action to keep guns like Larry off the streets and out of schools. We need to ban these death machines now.”
Local authorities released Butkiss, after questioning him for two hours, claiming he was the most sane individual they have ever interviewed and that he was sorry.
“You know, at first I was like, ‘a gun that spoke and fired itself, yeah right.’ Then, the more I listened to his story, the more I realized I’m either just as mentally unstable as he is or, maybe, he’s telling me the truth. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, so I let him go. We’re gonna take Larry downtown and book him. That little b!@#$#! is going to face a judge for what he did here today,” Officer Dumbbell said.
Those injured in the incident are expected to make a full recovery.
The post Man Claims Gun Leapt Into His Hand and Threatened to Kill Him if He Didn’t Open Fire appeared first on Cheese Puppy.
A woman was recently spotted holding a one-person protest rally outside a local resident's home in Troy, Ohio Tuesday afternoon, claiming she was "fighting the Patriarchy" and "doing her part to liberate women from decent, respectable men everywhere." The post Feminist Protests Outside Boyfriend’s House, Says He’s “The Patriarchy” For Holding Doors for Her appeared first on Cheese...
A woman was recently spotted holding a one-person protest rally outside a local resident’s home in Troy, Ohio Tuesday afternoon, claiming she was “fighting the Patriarchy” and “doing her part to liberate women from decent, respectable men everywhere.”
Jackie Isahack, a 20-year-old college student, was seen marching back and forth in front a private residency that reporters later discovered was the home of her boyfriend of three days, Peter Cutmehoff, carrying a protest sign, and yelling feminist chants at what neighbors described as a, “rather acceptable, though slightly shrill, volume.”
After a pedestrian on a bike posted a video of Isahack on YouTube, local news reporters made their way to the scene, where the young lady identified herself as a diehard feminist.
Eager to prove she was “authentic” she raised her arms to reveal thick patches of shrubbery adorning her pits. One local journalist, spotting thick tufts of hair poking out from the cuffs of her jeans, thought wolverines were living in her pants. However, after asking why she was housing vicious wild animals inside her clothes, she revealed it was just her legs, which she proudly proclaimed, hadn’t been shaved since puberty .
Isahack told reporters that her call to arms was inspired by how her boyfriend acted on their first date, claiming his behavior was so awful and indecent she fled the restaurant in tears, desperately searching for a safe space, but ultimately ended up running back to the apartment she shares with nine other members of a local feminist cult.
When asked what her boyfriend had done that was so awful, so degrading, Isahack replied, “Look, this….this is very traumatic for me to recount, okay? I mean, I’ve spent the last three nights crying and screaming at the top of my lungs trying to purge my lady spirit of the pain this beast, this master of female oppression chained me with. Just thinking about it makes me have to purge again.”
The rabid feminist dropped her protest sign and immediately went into a screaming fit that several neighbors mistakenly thought was a howler monkey who escaped last week from the zoo. After two minutes of “purging” and causing a four car pile up on the street, Isahack finally spilled the beans about the awful, terrible, horrifying thing done by her boyfriend.
Through gushing tears she told reporters, “He….he held the door open for me at the restaurant! He assumed that because I’m a woman, I must be some weak and fragile creature who can’t even hold open a f!@#$@! door for themselves. I was SO humiliated. Then he had the gall to smile at me while doing it, knowing he just stripped me of my dignity. I felt so helpless, so powerless against this living, breathing manifestation of the patriarchy. It was so awful. I’ve never felt more violated.”
Wiping away tears with an organic tissue made with recycled toilet paper from her own personal stash, Isahack continued, “You know, now I know how all those poor women feel who are a victim of rape culture. I’ve sort of been raped now too. I mean, this guy held the door open for me. Can you believe that? Honestly, I think this might actually be worse than physical rape because this guy raped my soul.”
Reporters then knocked on the door of the house, attempting to speak with Cutmehoff, but no one answered. A local camera man snuck a look through the living room window where he spotted Cutmehoff lying on the floor in the fetal position sucking his thumb.
Isahack is expected to resume her protest at 7 AM tomorrow.
The post Feminist Protests Outside Boyfriend’s House, Says He’s “The Patriarchy” For Holding Doors for Her appeared first on Cheese Puppy.
A caucasian Twitter activist from Chicago, Illinois recently went on a tweet storm about how much she hated the constant flow of bigotry and racism she experienced after tweeting several posts demanding a genocide of white people as payment for the sins of racism and white privilege. The post Caucasian Twitter Activist Says the Only Way to End Racism is to “Kill Whitey” appeared first on Cheese...
A caucasian Twitter activist from Chicago, Illinois recently went on a tweet storm about how much she hated the constant flow of bigotry and racism she experienced after tweeting several posts demanding a genocide of white people as payment for the sins of racism and white privilege.
Immediately after user LiberuhlSoldjer113’s delightful and well thought out posts calling for the murder of millions of innocent people based solely on their skin color hit the Internet, angry folks unleashed an onslaught of fair-minded criticisms, demanding to know the reason for the woman’s uncalled for expression of rage and racism.
LiberuhlSoldjer113 — real name Julie Nobrains — responded by stating her tweets weren’t racist because an Ancestry.Com DNA test showed she had approximately half of a milliliter of African blood coursing through her veins, thus she was going to identify as African-American. She went on to state that since it’s impossible for blacks to be racist, and she was now black, she could not, logically, be guilty of racism.
Speaking with a reporter from the cluttered basement of her mom’s house, Nobrains made it clear the only way to bring harmony among the different ethnicities and races of the world was for “whitey to go extinct.”
After pressing her platinum “grill” back in her mouth and adjusting her cornrows, Nobrains said, “Yo, listen, dawg. Da white devil been oppressin’ my peoples for centuries now. It’s gots to end, y’all. Ay, first y’all crackas brought ’em over in boats, stoled ’em from they home land and used em fo free work. Now, even tho, they be free, y’all gots that white privilege bulls@#! goin’ on. Cops be shootin’ my brothas and sistas just for smackin’ a cop in the mouth or wavin’ a pistol in the air. Can’t even do a little armed robbery wit out worryin’ bout gettin’ capped! Can you believe dat? Ain’t the po-po ‘posed ta be trained fo dis sh@!? You know what I mean? You feel me?”
“Da only way y’all can make it right for my people is to die out. Get me, fam? Y’all just have to let us go 1-8-7 on whitey. It’s da only way to make legit restitution.”
When pressed about the fact that her call for the genocide of an entire race would mean she too would be murdered because of being almost totally white, the young Twitter activist flew into a rage and snapped several gold chains off her own neck.
“Dat’s it, b!@#$! It’s on now! How dare you exercise yo white privilege and deny my blackness. My veins flow wit dat dark chocolate, hoe! I gots a half milliliter of dat silky smooveness in me and you can’t take dat away from me! I belong wit my people! Black power! We will rise up! White genocide, b!@#$!”
The interview was called off and the reporters fled from the premises after Nobrains — Frosted Chocolate as she’s known in the hip hop community — pulled a gun from the waistband of her pants and attempted to pistol whip everyone in the room.
The post Caucasian Twitter Activist Says the Only Way to End Racism is to “Kill Whitey” appeared first on Cheese Puppy.
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