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Is this what we’ve amounted to? Posting celebratory pictures of recent haircuts and workouts on the internet for strangers to see? For those we know to potentially be envious of? What a fucking joke. WHAT EVEN IS SOCIAL MEDIA NOW? Listen, the love of the people is fleeting and quite frankly, I’m fucking bored. I’m...
Is this what we’ve amounted to? Posting celebratory pictures of recent haircuts and workouts on the internet for strangers to see? For those we know to potentially be envious of? What a fucking joke. WHAT EVEN IS SOCIAL MEDIA NOW?
Listen, the love of the people is fleeting and quite frankly, I’m fucking bored. I’m bored of Instagram. I stopped Snapping a long time ago. My deceased grandparents would be on Facebook if they were, you know, still alive, so what am I even doing on here? Sometimes I go on Tumblr just to see how the old neighborhood is doing – see if the Joneses are still around. I get it – this sounds ultra hipster. And you know what? It is. I don’t have any tattoos, I’ve never been a barista, and I listen to “dad-rock”, but I am, at my core, the most hipster. Kombucha? I made my own from 2014-2016 and anyone making that now is lame. A has-been. Soz. I’ve loved Keanu Reeves since I was eleven and I’ve listened to whatever band you think is cool now that you grew up and stopped listening to Taylor Swift. Fucking @ me.
But hey, I’m not trying to shame those excited about going on Instagram on the toilet every morning and I’m not saying I’m above that. I want everyone to feel the happiness that I can’t. Truly. All I’m saying is my personal Instagram feed has become some kind of sad almost-thirty-female collection of Japanese Miniature Schnauzers and memes. That’s it. There’s nothing there that excites me anymore. And don’t tell me I’m not looking.
Remember when “Influencers” didn’t exist? I do and it’s an EXTREMELY hipster thing I talk about on the regular. When I worked on the 1800 Tequila ad account “influencers” didn’t exist, so we called them… (drumroll) “Visionaries”. In 2015 you could get someone who dabbles in photography on the side and had fucking TALENT @ $3K for 10 posts. The good ole days. Now I feel like real talent has retracted back into the subculture, far far away from Instagram and all the public superficial, talentless assholes. You know what doesn’t take talent? Putting two pieces of clothing together. Telling people to put La Mer on their face like we’ve known FOR LITERAL DECADES. WE READ ALLURE – STOP REGURGITATING THE APRIL 2004 ISSUE AS THOUGH IT’S REVOLUTIONARY!
I’m angry. I want something new but I can only code so far as to put a new background on my Myspace while also embedding a track from Coral Fang to start once you load my page. What is Silicon Valley even doing? I’ve given you everything and I knew it was what you wanted. All of my information, all of my data. I was never mad, for I can see the value in you having what you need from me to give me what I need – quality content. People used to call the internet the Wild West, but now I feel like I need to get into torrents or the Silk Road (RIP) or whatever just to feel alive. Dead.com doesn’t even exist anymore – where will I see pictures of people who had their heads chopped off from helicopters? We all have weird and morbid curiosities and if you’re reading that last sentence and thinking you don’t and I’m a freak, you’re in denial and I’m sure are obsessed with serial killer documentaries or podcasts or whatever, so don’t fucking @ me.
Others must feel the same. I can’t be the only person bored and waiting around for something new to happen like some codependent bully. If I’m truly the trendsetter I think I am, I need to feel confident that I’m onto something here and that others are working on something new for us. And that realization actually makes me happy. Perhaps we’re on the verge of a new social media breakthrough – a place where essential oils and MLM schemes go to die. A place where the artistry and originality is real again. A place where… oh fuck – this is what it’s like to almost be thirty.
That’s what’s happening here. I’m entering the curmudgeon years. And you know what? That’s ok. I think I’ve always sort of already been here, but my time on this rock is now finally starting to align with my attitude.
The year is 2002. At St. George School in Midcoast Maine, it’s a day that’s been building in anticipation for some time – the hobby fair. Many middle schoolers have signed up to showcase their favorite hobbies to friends and teachers alike. My best friend Abbey and I have signed up to do this, however...
The year is 2002. At St. George School in Midcoast Maine, it’s a day that’s been building in anticipation for some time – the hobby fair. Many middle schoolers have signed up to showcase their favorite hobbies to friends and teachers alike. My best friend Abbey and I have signed up to do this, however our “hobby” is a bit unconventional. You see, we grew up in the era of The Matrix. Between 1997 – 2003 Keanu Reeves had eight (8) films debut that I considered at that point in time to be the best movies ever. My friend Abbey agreed. And so, our hobby at the St. George School’s hobby fair of 2002 was Keanu Reeves. I wish I had a picture to share, but I do not.
Why was Keanu Reeves our hobby? Well, I need not show you a photo from 2003. You can check out this new fall/winter 2019/20 YSL campaign by Anthony Vaccarello and determine that for yourself:
Twelve-year-old me is elated. Twenty-nine-year-old me feels proud. You see, people (peers, parents, strangers), used to make fun of us for loving Keanu so much because he wasn’t regarded as a “good” actor. The film Sweet November was one that I felt should have been inducted into the Criterion Collection, yet only has a 15% on Rotten Tomatoes. If you haven’t seen that strange romantic drama starring Keanu and Charlize Theron (Devil’s Advocate throwback), then please, check it out. It’s horrible to watch as an adult, but it meant everything to me as a preadolescent being.
Keanu is finally getting the moment he deserves. The John Wick franchise is killing it. He’s the voice of Duke Caboom in the upcoming Toy Story 4. He has a cutting-edge motorcycle company in LA county, ARCH. Bill and Ted are coming back. EVERYTHING IS RIGHT AGAIN! Keanu is proof that if you just keep being you and doing what you want to do, people will wise up.
Not only does Keanu seem like a genuinely good dude, he also does a ton of his own stunts, and looks better at 54 than most men do that are my age.
Oh right, and Logic dropped a track with his name, in case you needed more convincing:
Also this article by The Cut: Just 50 Photos of Keanu Reeves
Ok, that’s it. That’s all I have. Go watch all of the Matrix movies and report back. If sci/fi doesn’t do it for you, go watch Speed or Point Break.
The nineties have been having a major moment over the past year – please see Vogue article on Marc Jacobs here and Carla Bruni from the original Marc Jacobs Spring 1993 for Perry Ellis below (you know, the collection for which Marc Jacobs was fired): And while the nineties was NOT a particularly glamorous era...
The nineties have been having a major moment over the past year – please see Vogue article on Marc Jacobs here and Carla Bruni from the original Marc Jacobs Spring 1993 for Perry Ellis below (you know, the collection for which Marc Jacobs was fired):
And while the nineties was NOT a particularly glamorous era for fashion, I would consider it very much an Age of Enlightenment and I have been ok with the comeback. Women were wearing relaxed Levi’s, sneakers (flatter shoes in general), and even if they were donning high shoes, they were platforms, which are sandals on steroids and incredibly comfortable. Women were being shown in more intellectual positions, even if the scripts weren’t always necessarily supportive and still highly sexual (Ally McBeal), but it was at least the start of moving women away from just being “mom”.
The next decade is what I consider to be the absolute doldrums of fashion. A time that must never be brought back. A time that should have a black spot atop it for all eternity. A time when it was “fashion” to wear a dress over jeans. When it became cool to think Chicken of the Sea was… chicken. The absolute foreshadowing of terrible influencers and Instagram models to come. The 2000’s:
I had a belly chain. I had a denim hat like Xtina. I had Hollister miniskirts. I had Abercrombie branded micro-tees. I had that giant ugly-ass woven belt that went over your clothes!!! You know, this one you’d buy at Fashion Bug:
So you can understand how I was absolutely terrified when I saw an ad for Ralph Lauren on my Instagram last night that contains what I consider to be the entry into bringing back the fashion of the 2000’s: a tie dye sweater and a cowrie shell necklace.
I can’t even say that I dislike that outfit on the left, because I am a tween/teen of the 2000’s and something deep inside me that I’ve tried to cast out for years still. fucking. likes. it. But it brings me to this question: should I purchase an O’Neill sweatshirt with full surfing graphic on the back? Should I purchase a white denim Adidas visor? How about some l.e.i. sandals? I bet my white and pink Etnies are in my parent’s house somewhere. My Ed Hardy shirt and Von Dutch hats as well.
Friends, I’m scared. With the lack of originality we’re experiencing right now, we need fresh thinking – fresh fashion. I can handle reboots of Aladdin, Lion King, and Dumbo all day long, but I cannot handle Balenciaga versions of the above with $1200 price points. However, I feel it’s inevitable. Balenciaga already knocked off Crocs and I do hope some litigation is happening to make them pay for their sins. At least let me be the first person you think of when these styles begin emerging – I want all of your thoughts to be “oh shit, Larie was right.” That’s all I can ask for. And if low rise jeans and butterfly tramp stamps come back, I will set the world on fire.
It’s here. That time of year when everything just feels like it falls perfectly into place. The time of year when the air smells like romance. The crisp leaves spiral down to the ground, enveloping the earth in a warm red and orange patina. You know what I love about this time of year more...
It’s here. That time of year when everything just feels like it falls perfectly into place. The time of year when the air smells like romance. The crisp leaves spiral down to the ground, enveloping the earth in a warm red and orange patina.
You know what I love about this time of year more than all of that bullshit romance stuff? Halloween. Fall fashion. New seasons of my favorite shows. Wearing all black every day again becoming acceptable.
I’m not an expert on Halloween, so that’s not what I’m here to post about, although I do want to point out that I once won best costume/100 bones for my take on a “school photo”:
Let’s move along to my fall fashion inspirations. I left you with my spring fashion inspirations, failed to post about any summer inspirations (which is fine, because quite honestly, this summer was a total blur and I was just dehydrated and disgusting for most of it), but I will NOT fail you with fall. I am so excited to share my thoughts on fall fashion with you. Disclaimer: these thoughts/looks/inspirations have absolutely nothing to do with any current trends or trendy people. Let’s begin.
Yes. Conway Fucking Twitty. If this man is not your muse for all things fall fashion, then I really do not understand how we can be friends. Leather? Check. Turtleneck? Check. Turtleneck under cardigan? Check. Old Orchard Beach/Yeezy-inspired sweatshirt? MOTHER FUCKING CHECK.
Look at him. That hair, both styled to perfection and also disheveled. Living his best life, not giving a fuck what anyone thinks. He was a man ahead of his time. His wardrobe is what Demna Gvasalia‘s dreams are made of.
Before we quickly discuss our next inspiration (who is also a man, but whatever), please press play.
Yes. Waylon Fucking Jennings. Collared shirts. Leather vests. Black hats. Denim jackets. OUTLAW COUNTRY! Aside from his music, you know what else I love about Waylon? That he loved Big Bird. Don’t believe me? Check out this clip from the 1985 smash hit “Follow That Bird”:
As someone on YouTube once said, “You may be cool, but you’ll never be Waylon Jennings riding in a truck with Big Bird cool.” I’d also like to point out Waylon’s red plaid flannel shirt and tan hat. Now THAT is what this fall is all about. Also, please note the Countmobile, which is boujee AF and has a NY license plate of “12345678910” AND I’ve learned is capable of transporting ninety-nine bats.
Now what? Movies? Music? Trends? Well, I tried out the ASMR thing. It’s cool, I’m into it. It relaxes me. It’s weird. Well – is it weird? Yea, it’s weird. 100% weird. The fact that I can fall totally asleep/into a deep place of relaxation listening to a woman pretend to give me a haircut is super weird, but I can’t argue with science. HOW DOES IT WORK? I’ll copy/paste some internet science for you, no problem (credit – Wikipedia):
Autonomous sensory meridian response (ASMR) is an experience characterized by a static-like or tingling sensation on the skin that typically begins on the scalp and moves down the back of the neck and upper spine. It has been compared with auditory-tactile synesthesia and may overlap with frisson.
ASMR signifies the subjective experience of “low-grade euphoria” characterized by “a combination of positive feelings and a distinct static-like tingling sensation on the skin”. It is most commonly triggered by specific auditory or visual stimuli, and less commonly by intentional attention control.
Now, it should be noted that not everyone enjoys this type of thing. It should also be noted that for some it’s a turn-on. I would like the record to show that ASMR is in fact NOT a turn on for me. It just makes me feel tingly and as if I’m melting into my mattress. Maybe it will work for you too. Try this:
Comment if this worked for you. Comment if this didn’t work for you. Don’t comment either way, I guess whatever.
Ok. I’m on a plane headed to Bentonville, AR. I wish you all a Happy Halloween! I’ll work on posting more often. I’d also love to know any icons you’re channeling this fall and any weird trends you’ve tried that you don’t want to admit you liked (but you liked them).
How are we feeling about spring fashion? I’m feeling R-E-A-D-Y. What’s that spell? Ready. It spells ready (rolls eyes). My outfit choices are typically heavily influenced by the following: Chloe Sevigny, Alexa Chung, and Patrick Bateman. Yes, that’s correct – Patrick Bateman. Think trench coat, Gucci horsebit loafers, striped oxfords, and Ray Bans. While Patrick...
How are we feeling about spring fashion? I’m feeling R-E-A-D-Y. What’s that spell? Ready. It spells ready (rolls eyes).
My outfit choices are typically heavily influenced by the following: Chloe Sevigny, Alexa Chung, and Patrick Bateman. Yes, that’s correct – Patrick Bateman. Think trench coat, Gucci horsebit loafers, striped oxfords, and Ray Bans.
While Patrick will remain a key role this spring, let us focus on Chloe and what I categorize as Chloe-inspired (this is where I consider much of Gaga’s relaxed, non-performance style choices to live and why we both own the same Iron Maiden top from H&M). Why so much focus on Chloe? Well, stop reading this and educate yourself on this (it’s from 1994, where have you been?) and then come back all self-smarted and learned. We’ll pepper in some Alexa and any others that come to mind along the way.
These are two of my personal go-tos: striped tee and high waisted jeans; and black shirt, leather jacket, high waisted jeans (distressing optional, but preferable). Now, I didn’t see these photos and try to recreate these looks, it’s just where my personal style has brought me and I was later validated upon seeing these photos of Chloe looking amaze.
What’s fabulous about outfits like this and what much of my older-twenties wardrobe has become is that pieces such as these can all work together. I preach buying designer denim (however, please avoid paying designer prices – keep as much of your money as you can), buying quality/designer shoes (but take care of them – clean them, polish them, etc.), and then buying inexpensive tops. Whether your white basic tee is from Forever 21 or from Madewell, no one is going to know (so long as you’ve kept it bright white). If they do know, they either need a hobby or they’re just an insecure, judgmental asshole and guess what? That’s not your problem. Thank you, drive thru.
You also need a variety of sneakers. Sneakers are a must – say goodbye to the days of Carrie Bradshaw and her bunion-inducing Manolo Blahniks and say hello to the days of healthy, comfortable feet with a properly aligned pelvis. That being said, I did see that Mr. Blahnik has a wonderful slide sandal called the “Rapalla” inspired by some Italian chick who loved Portofino. Don’t we all, Italian chick (her name was Franca Sozzani and she was the editor-in-chief of Vogue Italia – I’m an asshole, mea culpa).
Which sneakers, you might ask? Well, I personally over-did Adidas in middle school (think shirts, wind pants, visors, etc.), so I now gravitate toward Nike. I also have a couple pairs of Vans, as do all women now between the ages of 18-34 (which I’m bitter about, but it’s fine).
Now, I don’t YET have the blue Cortez shown above, but I will. This is the sneaker worn by one of my favorite characters of all time, George Costanza. The other two, I do have and love dearly, as much as one can love sneakers. DON’T FUCKING COPY ME! If you like them, get a different color. If I see you wearing the blue Cortez before I have them, there will be major shade thrown. I also fell in love with the white Cortez when Leonardo DiCaprio wore them during the ludes scene of Wolf of Wall Street. As for my Vans, it’s pretty simple: one pair is white, the other pair is black. The end.
The following is a highlight reel I’ll leave you with of all of the things I’m looking to embody this spring. Please note – my style fluctuates constantly according to my mood, with some occasional lengths of time where one style remains constant.
This is not a food blog – I repeat – this is not a food blog. Listen, it’s not that I don’t absolutely love brightly colored, positive, optimistic, cutesy food blogs chock full of Millennial pink – I am a hundred and ten percent on board with those. It’s just that, well, it’s not who...
This is not a food blog – I repeat – this is not a food blog. Listen, it’s not that I don’t absolutely love brightly colored, positive, optimistic, cutesy food blogs chock full of Millennial pink – I am a hundred and ten percent on board with those. It’s just that, well, it’s not who I am. I’m dark and weird. Cynical and sarcastic. The eleven-year-old kid who wanted to talk about watching Terminator 2 for the hundredth time, while normal girls her age wanted to talk about Lizzie McGuire.
I’m not entirely sure what this blog is going to be. I do know it’s going to be a lot of music, movies, fashion, and art – a lifestyle blog, I suppose. A stream of consciousness of all things trending. Some fantastic throwbacks already ruminating around in my noggin. It is NOT going to be a place of political discussion, so if that’s what you’re here for, please kindly see yourself out. I’m loud, obnoxious, and potentially offensive. The only superlative I received in high school was “Most Talkative”. However, I will say I was robbed of “Best Hair” – ok, maybe not “robbed” per se, just more people voted for a girl with curly hair because we grew up in Midcoast Maine (no one has curly hair there? Idk. #grudge).
I also curse a lot, so, if that offends you, again – please kindly see yourself out while simultaneously reading the following article and questioning your entire judgmental existence: People Who Swear May Be Happier, Healthier And More Honest.
Let’s talk about music. I was just saying to my friend the other day that I feel like there’s been a void in my life musically since this time last year (well, 4/16 to be exact) when I was listening to Kendrick Lamar DAMN. on loop (if you’re wondering where the name of this blog came from, go listen to DNA). Well, my prayers must have reached a Rap God somewhere (Eminem?), because my girl Cardi B just dropped Invasion of Privacy and it is FIRE.
Tracks on repeat (apart from Bodak Yellow and Bartier Cardi): Best Life (feat. Chance The Rapper), I Like It, Ring (feat. Kehlani), and She Bad.
Don’t forget, that although this is her debut album, Cardi already became the first female rapper to top the Billboard Hot 100 chart (10/7/2018) without the assistance of other artists since Lauryn Hill in 1998. If you want to read some background about the inspiration and nods to other artists on the album, check out this Rolling Stone article. I could regurgitate it for you in order to sound pretentious, but I’ll save my words for the next post.
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