While watching the fourth season of The Office on my blackberry this week, I came across a connection that stopped me in my proverbial tracks. I realize that history repeats itself - blah blah blah. But this is uncanny. All the time I've been thinking The Office was a spoof on reality shows, and now it is quite clear to me. The Office is a reality show that makes fun of spoofs on reality shows.
Here is a peice of dialog from the 4th season, 1st episode, taped July 18, 2007*:
Michael Scott: Ladies and gentlemen, I have some bad news. Meredith was hit by a car. It happened this morning in the parking lot. I took her to the hospital and the doctors tried to save her.. life.. they did the best that they could.... and she is going to be OK.
Stanley: What is wrong with you? Why did you have to phrase it like that?
Oscar: So she's really going to be fine?
Michael Scott: Yes, she has a slight pelvical fracture, but people have survived far worse.
Pam: Thank God you were there.
Michael Scott: I know.
Andy Bernard: Did you see who did it?
Dwight Schrute: No need. We can just check the security tapes.
Michael Scott: Kind of good news bad news there. I was able to be on the scene so quickly because I was in the car that hit her.
Jim Halpert: Who was driving?
[Michael pauses and is speechless]
Pam: Oh Michael.
Jim Halpert: One day Michael came in complaining about a speed bump on the highway. I wonder who he ran over then?
Dwight Schrute: It's only Meredith.
Michael Scott: Yeah, it's only Meredith, thank God. But did you see the way they looked at me? Like I was a murderer or something.
Dwight Schrute: Hey... why did you do it?
Michael Scott: It was an accident.
Dwight Schrute: Was she talking back?
Michael Scott: No
Dwight Schrute: You got sick of that face? Did she owe you money? Uh-oh, is this downsizing? Did she spurn your advances?
Michael Scott: I love my employees. Even though I hit one of you with my car. For which I take full responsibility. Look I'm just trying to take everybody's mind off this unavoidable tragedy and on to more positive things. So I thought we should plant a tree.
Michael Scott: Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh I don't know... I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me. No, don't sue me... that's the opposite of the point I'm trying to make.
Also this week, in the face of the death of Senator Ted Kennedy, I found this little piece of old news. I think when you read it, you'll see my point about The Office:
On July 18, 1969, Kopechne attended a party on Chappaquiddick Island, off the coast of Martha's Vineyard, Massachusetts, held in honor of the Boiler Room Girls. It was the fourth such reunion of the Robert Kennedy campaign workers.[11] Mary Jo Kopechne reportedly left the party at 11:15 p.m. with Robert's brother Ted Kennedy, after he ? according to his own account ? offered to drive her to catch the last ferry back to Edgartown, where she was staying.[6] She did not tell her close friends at the party that she was leaving and she left her purse and keys behind.[6] Kennedy stated he made a wrong turn on the way and came upon a narrow, unlit bridge without guardrails. Kennedy drove the 1967 Oldsmobile Delmont 88 off the bridge and it overturned in the water. Kennedy extricated himself from the submerged car but Kopechne died, after what Kennedy said were several diving attempts to free her.[6] Kennedy contacted several aides that night, but failed to report the incident to the authorities until the car and Kopechne's body were discovered the next morning.[6] Kopechne's parents said that they learned of their daughter's death from Ted Kennedy himself[1] before he reported his involvement to the authorities, but that they learned Kennedy had been the driver only from wire press releases some time later.[4] Later, it was reported that Kennedy planted a tree in Kopechne's honor.*
*I did give myself just a tiny bit of poetic license for this article, but the rest is real!
 I found out about a new drug last week from an advertisement in my spam folder. At first I thought it must be too good to be true - Really??! A pill that I can take to get the same antioxidant benefits as a glass of red wine!?! But sure enough, I looked it up on Wikipedia and found that the ingredients in Reservatrol are found in the skin of red grapes and are also a constituent of red wine. How lucky that I no longer have to drink red wine to get its benefits! It got me to thinking there must be similar drugs out there. I did a little research, and here's what I found:
Humulus Lupulus: One of these per day will thankfully replace that nasty beer I despise so much. This little pill is packed with all the benefits of hops and barley such as alleviating anxiety, restlessness, and insomnia.
Cioccolata: Be gone from me Godiva, depart you withering Dove Candy Bar, free me from your clutches Lindt Swiss Chocolate Truffles that melt in my mouth. Now I can take 2 pills instead. This drug, developed by the same people who took away red wine, is supposed to help reduce the risk of cardiovascular disease, prevent fat-like substances in the bloodstream from clogging arteries, and reduce the risk of blood clots.
Vanus: I have a lot of hope for this little miracle. Medically touted to take the place of gossiping, it supposedly sends endorphins from nerve endings in the tongue and inner ear to the sensitive receptors in the brain. Reportedly this same research firm is getting ready to develop it's sister, Populo, which replaces reading People magazine.
Diaita: For about the same price as 4 cases of Diet Coke, you can buy one bottle of 30 tablets of Diaita. There are no reported benefits, except that you'll no longer be forced to gulp down that nasty mixture of carbonated water, carmel coloring, aspartame, and phosphoric acid. I don't know how they pack all those ingredients in a pill the size of a small beetle, but they do! As for concerns - I've googled and googled but can't find a definative answer.
Copulare: Not released yet, but the promise of this drug on the horizon is good enough for me. The drug company Funnomore, based in Colorado Springs, CO, is working 24/7 to get this out in time for Mardi Gras. One chewable tablet per day reportedly leaves one feeling relaxed, contented, and with a sense that all is right in the world.
 I hate to report this next neighborhood infraction, but I would be doing my immediate community a disservice if I did not.
This particular neighbor was planning to run one of her silly little races - she don't look like no runner I'VE ever seen, so I think she must either run only every 5th step, or have that hot husband of hers* drive her just short of the finish line, and she runs the remaining 100 feet. But, whatever.
As she was leaving for the race, I caught sight of her legs below her XL running shorts. She has very fair skin - but to be honest, we all do. The sun only shines on our bare legs maybe 2 months out of the year, if we're lucky. I figured she must have felt self-conscious about her legs being so white, and tried using some sunless tanning lotion. It was hideously orange, and very splotchy. I decided to ask her about it. For my blog.
Me: Lois**, what happened to your legs?
Lois: Oh, that? I read this article on the world wide web about how some people use sunless tanning cream to sculpture their legs, using lighter and darker tones to shade in their muscles so they look more defined. What do you think?
Me: Wow Lois - is that really fake tan? It looks so real! And those muscles! You may have missed one little spot there on your knee....oh, and lookie, there are a couple of places the lotion ran down the back of your leg before it dried. Other than that, I never would have guessed....
(except that you've missed huge areas on the sides and backs of your legs, and I think you shaded the wrong places, which may have actually reversed the effect you were going for. Maybe next time, you shouldn't try this at home - GO TO A PROFESSIONAL. I'm sorry Lois, but you're just weird, and I'm going to have to report you on my blog***.)
*What a HUNK!
**Not her real name
***If I don't, someone else will
It was after dark Sabbath night when I landed on the front porch of a "distant cousin" in southern Wisconsin's Amish community. I introduced myself as Mrs. Annie Yoder, the young, childless, grieving widow of the late Joshua Yoder, from Lancaster, PA.
I was trustingly shown to a plain bedroom on the second floor. The walls were white-washed, and a beautiful double wedding ring quilt lay quaintly on the bed. The floors were bare wood, except for a small braided rug that lay nearby. I was tired from my journey, so fell quickly asleep; my last thought being "Ever hear of air-conditioning?"
4:45 am Monday morning: I was woken by an horrendous noise. I can't describe the sound, except to say that it was most unwelcome. My cousins cheerfully called up to me to "Rise and shine Sister, morning has graciously arrived!" I stumbled around for a bit looking for a light switch so I could get to the bathroom in time. There was no light switch, and no bathroom. I didn't quite make it downstairs and outside to the outhouse in as timely a manner as I would have liked.
Later, I put two and two together, and groggily told my "distant cousins"- over our dark, candle-lit breakfast - that I would be most happy to butcher a plump hen for the evening meal. "Denki" they said. "No, Den-KI", I answered, with a smile.
There was only silence when I brought the poultry in several hours later, stripped of his life, feathers, and his cocky attitude. I humbly apologized when they told me of my error, but added that it must be an easy mistake for any newcomer to make. I slept so wonderfully the next morning that the humility at having to apologize was well worth it.
 In an ongoing effort to clean up our neighborhood, I am starting a regular post on weird things we catch the neighbors doing in hopes they will read this blog and see the error of their ways. This was inspired most recently by my discovery of some "play money" belonging to one boy who lives near us*.
You can see in this picture that he takes beer bottle caps from his irresponsible parents and pounds them with a hammer until they are flat. He then puts them in the change compartment of his wallet and pretends they are coins. He seemed very proud of the 4** coins he has collected and pounded flat so far.
If his parents are reading this, I hope I can communicate in a non-threatening manner that you're WEIRD and maybe you should think about what you are teaching your child. I know its difficult to see how your current decisions can affect your children long term, but this can't be good. Just so you and the rest of our neighbors know, we're WATCHING YOU, and are hoping to crack down on the weirdness in this neighborhood in the next few months.
*I can't say exactly how near, in order to protect his identity.
**This is an estimate. I hesitate to say exactly how many "coins" he has collected.
 I'm half crying, half mad, half in shock. I can hardly type.
I just looked at Google Analytics, and I've had blog visitors from all over the world...except for Greenland. So I quit. I am boycotting Greenland. It goes both ways, folks. You don't visit me, I don't visit you.
One would think that out of 2.1 million square miles of terrain and 57,564 inhabitants, at least one person would Google the words "egyptian porn" and find my blog.
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Blog URL: http://nocleaninghere.blogspot.com
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Blog Description: Open conversation about such topics as Corporal Mortification, Britney Spears, Interpretive Dance, and what I'd really like to read in your Christmas Card.
Blog Tags: witticisms - generalizations - observations - stereotypes - criticisms - entertainment - concerns - redicule
Blog Category: Humor Blogs
Blog Owner: Stephanie Martin
Blog Added: May 20, 2009 01:19:18 PM
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