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...And He's Gone

You keep track of all my sorrows.  You have collected all my tears in your bottle.  You have recorded each one in your book. ~ Psalm 56:8

We are now in the beginning stages of our first deployment.  And the only thing I know is that this is painful!

Saying goodbye was awful.  The tears came bursting out like hot lava spewing from an angry volcano.  I held on for as long as I could in the darkness and cold, wet rain that this area knows all too well.  And then it was time to drive away - with my mascara smeared across my face, trying to blink the tears out of my eyes so that I could see better through my rain soaked windshield.  Somehow, I made it home.  Pulling into the driveway alone just felt so empty.  I sighed deeply as *B and I entered the home that we once all shared as a family, and never again will.

Everywhere I look, I reminded of him.  I miss him so badly already...and, technically, he is still here - just miles down the road.  But, yet, he is so far away.  I want to see him again already - now.  And always.

I let *B sleep in my bed with me, and I will probably continue to do so until we move back to the midwest to sty with my family.  I barely got a wink of sleep.  My mind just kept going, my stomach kept turning.  And my heart just kept breaking.

I got a text message from him right about the time that his plane was taking off.  He let me know that, since he was on luggage detail, he would be flying out of the country First Class - with more than enough leg room for his 6-foot frame, his own TV, and headphones.  Lucky dude, right? 

A little while later, I heard the faint sound of a jet engine in the distance and I peered out my bedroom window into the darkness to watch *P's plane go up and make a wide turn, away from me.  I watched it until it flew out of my sight, and I cried.  There goes my honey.

The following day was a blur.  I felt like I had a hangover - and I did - an emotional hangover.  I hurt all over, but especially in my heart.  I wanted to just sleep all day.  But, with a child in tow it's quite difficult.  Why did this kid give up naps last year!?  I didn't get *B and myself dressed until 4:00pm that evening...and that was only so that we could go grab a burger at Red Robin for dinner.

Periodically throughout the day I would get very sad.  My eyes would well up with tears, my nose would tingle, and my face would get red.  That lump in my throat would form until I swallowed it away.  Different things make me think of him and miss him.  Walking the dog that night, I cried outside while my little one was inside getting ready for bed. 

It as another tough night of sleep, but at least I got a little bit.  I always wake up and miss *P.  I am always thinking of him.  I am just so sad.  I miss my best friend.  I miss having him near me.  I miss being able to speak to him, to touch him, to tease him, and to laugh with him.  I miss our movie nights.  I miss his prayers at dinner.  I miss the laughter between him and *B as they played each night.  I miss hearing him read bedtime stories to *B.  I miss everything.

Deployment is horrible.  It has given me the worst feelings in my heart.  It brings a sadness and lonliness that is only closest in comparison to losing someone forever.  I have to learn to live my life without him now, if only for 9 months.

I hope that this initial sadness will soon wear off.  But, I doubt that it will.  I miss him more than words can ever say.  My heart is broken.

Deployment Heartache

This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” ~ Joshua 1:9

I suppose, since it's really no secret at this point, that I can begin to discuss my feelings about *P's upcoming deployment.  There are all sorts of reports regarding my hubby's brigade deploying as early as March and into April, though there have been no "official" orders.  I kept holding out hope that perhaps he won't deploy afterall, but I am now exiting the denial phase and entering a whole new world of hurt.

So far, *P has received all of his necessary immunizations for going overseas, signed his Power of Attorney papers for me, and has packed a couple of bags to be shipped to "the Sandbox".  Tonight, in fact, there is a pre-deployment briefing that I am to attend with my Soldier.  This meeting should give me a little insight into what to expect and, hopefully, give us more details about what is about to go down.

I can't even believe this is really happening.  Yes, you may say, "Well, this is what *P signed up for" and I get that.  Deployments are a part of the job.  Not that *P signed up to deploy...that's not right.  He signed up to do a job for this country and hopefully make a difference.  He did not sign up to leave his family or go into harm's way.  That is just part of it that many soldiers hope won't happen to them, but it is always a risk.  Even more so during wartimes, like we're in now.  So, while we knew that this was a possibility, it doesn't make it any less difficult to face.

Under "normal" circumstances, I honestly don't think that I would be so emotional.  But, the timing is just, well, awful for this first deployment.  I am pregnant!  My husband will miss much of my pregnancy.  He will miss the birth of our 2nd (and last) child.  He won't be here for some of the most special and sacred moments of a couple's lives!  It is beginning to break my heart.  It brings burning tears to my eyes just thinking about it - of course, even watching American Idol can bring tears to my eyes at this point.  My hormones are nutso in this first trimester!

There are many options to consider in the next few weeks.  Do I stay in Washington without my honey, and give birth here alone?  Do I fly out to my folks' house when the baby is nearly due and give birth "back home" where my son was born, and come back to Washington when my hubby is about to return?  Do we pack up the whole house and leave our belongings in storage for the whole deployment, and I stay at my folks' house for the whole 9 months?  If so, do I drive there (oh my gosh, I can't bear the thought right now) or do we fly?  If we fly, we'd have to fly back with a whole new person and all of his/her gear.  Sounds like a lot of work - and stress!  Decisions, decisions...

Something that keeps going through my head at this point - now that I am no longer in denial - is how crappy the timing of this all is, due to the pregnancy.  You see, because of my horrible morning sickness and severe mood swings and a major hormonal imbalance, these past several weeks have been close to miserable for *P and me.  I am not my happy-go-luvky self.  Our relationship is not up to par, thanks to things I cannot control in this pregnancy.  I have been on *P's case about EVERYthing, I feel like crap nearly 24/7, and I am just so dang OVER this pregnancy already.  And now, after all these weeks of trying to tolerate each other, my husband will be leaving.  I just wish that I had been better to him.  I wish we had gotten along better.  I wish I wasn't so moody, grumpy, and sick.  I wish that I was sending him off with happy thoughts...but, honestly, the past several weeks have been anything BUT happy.  Is this how he is going to remember me? 

As you can imagine, I am having a difficult and very emotional time with this whole thing.

Had I known that - within 6 months of him finishing up his training and becoming a Biomedical Equipment Technician with the U.S. Army - *P would be heading to Afghanistan while anticipating the birth of our second child, I don't think I would have agreed to this.  It's just surreal.  I want to wake up from this awful dream.

Baby on Board

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him. ~ Psalm 127:3

Consider me rewarded!

I am pleased to announced that we are expecting our 2nd child, due mid-September.

While I am not disappointed that we are expanding our family, happiness seems to be an emotion that has escaped my body almost since conception.  What is wrong with me?

I was enjoying my life with one truly special little boy and a wonderful husband...everything was 'just so', ya know?  And now, that old life is gone and a new one is beginning and, honestly, I don't know what to make of it just yet.

Perhaps I should mention that there are few reasons why I am finding it difficult to be overjoyed at expanding my family, even though it was a plan that *P and I had made long ago - we wanted two kids.

Firstly, our near future of "togetherness" is highly uncertain at this moment.  While *P has not gotten any "official" orders for deployment, he has been notified that it is 99% likely that it is going to happen this Spring and, in turn, he has been preparing for such orders.  (ie, being immunized, getting a personal bag together, training)

Not knowing whether my husband will be with me during this pregnancy and wondering if he will miss his baby's birth weighs heavily on me.  It casts a looming shadow over enjoy rays of joy.

Second, I have been dealing with morning sickness nearly 24/7 ever since I took a pregnancy test.  There have been maybe 2 or 3 days when I felt "fine" or "normal".  But, most of the time, I feel like crap or I am throwing up or I am thinking that I need to throw up but can't (or won't).  And I get headaches.  This morning sickness has made me feel as though I am a terrible mother to *B.  I can hardly play with him and spend all my time sitting or laying, so as not to move much.  I try to get us out of the house at times, and have even thrown up in my car and a parking lot.  I am an awful mom right now and the guilt of that is casting another huge shadow on happiness.  My poor *B basically "lost" his mommy time for now. 

Immediately when I found out I was pregnant, I quit taking an anti-depressant medicine cold-turkey.  This, of course, is NOT the way to get off of anti-depressants but I did not want to harm the developing baby in any way.  The withdrawal symptoms happened almost immediately and began to dissipate about 10 days later.  But, not having this medicine in my blood anymore has also altered my mood.  As you know, during pregnancy a woman's hormones are all over the place.  But, I feel like mine are through the roof (mostly leaning toward the moody, unhappy, angry side) due to this factor.  More shadows.

Another thing that happened was that I got a not-so-positive reaction from my parents.  I know, I know, I am a grown woman and that shouldn't really matter...but, I think that deep down, most of us are always seeking the approval of our parents, no matter our age.  And, quite frankly, I feel like I  did not get that from them.  Another shadow.

Finally, I truly treasure the special bond that I share with my son, *B.  He is my baby and the dynamic that we have is something that I really do not want to change.  But, inevitably, my relationship with him is going to change when the baby comes.  I fear this change (more than I should).

I sometimes catch myself wishing that I could just go back to my "old life"...my family of three.  And then I feel extreme guilt for that.  How dare I feel that way, when I am blessed with this human being growing inside of me!  Especially after I have had 2 miscarriages.  It is so wrong of me.  How selfish can I be!? 

I am praying that my 2nd trimester will be the total opposite of this one.  I am just a hot mess.

Hiatus Status

Dear friend, I hope all is well with you and that you are as healthy in body as you are strong in spirit. ~ 3 John 1:2

I took a little bit of a blogging break, but I am back as much as I can be. 

We got all settled into our new home on McChord Air Force Base here in Tacoma, Washington.  If I am being totally honest, I must say - I am not a fan of the area.  There doesn't seem to be much to do in Tacoma...guess it's all up in Seattle.  I do not enjoy rain, cloudy days, and dreary weather.  I am a sunshine girl!

But, it is what it is and, well, it's out of my control.

Our boxes were almost all unpacked and put away in time for our small Thanksgiving celebration.  Rather than cook an entire turkey for a family of 3, I simply picked up a rotisserie chicken and we had some delicious side items and sparkling grape juice for our meal.  I did feel sad inside that I wasn't with my own Mom & Dad, celebrating at their large dining room table with my Aunt and Grandma - having a fantastic meal (my mom is an awesome cook) and making wonderful memories.  But, we did the best we could here in Washington.

Christmastime came and went.  We decorated the house and our tree and had a very present-filled Christmas for *B.  He wanted Santa to bring him a play kitchen so very badly and - wouldn't ya know it - the chubby ol' guy came through for him! 

In January, we got a bit of snow (8 inches or so) one night, followed by a good coating of ice the next night.  This knocked down so many gorgeous trees and branches, and also killed the electricity for most of the area.  Thankfully, we, personally, were only without power for one day and one night.  But others in the area were without power for several days!  And it was COLD!

The cleanup of downed branches is going to take several months, I predict.  This area alone (McChord) is a mess.  But, then again, it is surrounded by thousands of evergreen trees and not much else.

I have mixed reviews about living on base.  On one hand, it's wonderful to have a home that is well spread-out and has a yard.  But, on the other hand, the house is older than dirt and needs a major facelift (inside and out).  It is not a house I would ever look twice at, but we knew we had to take whatever came available first.  And, this is it.  It leaves a lot to be desired.

Don't get me wrong - I do feel blessed that we have a roof over our heads and that we are relatively safe living on base.  Aside from the sounds of weapons, helicopters, planes, and bombs going off during training, it is a pretty quiet place.  The neighbors are rarely, if ever, outside.  But, than again, this is winter and the weather doesn't exactly scream "Come outside!"

I guess the truth is, I need to stop comparing what I have now to what I had before.  Those "before times" don't really matter anymore.

I am no longer in the midwest in our awesome apartment near my family.  I am no longer in Texas enjoying the wonderful pool each day.  I am here.  In the butthole of Washington.  And I need to make the best of it.

Mountains Are Awesome - When You're Not Driving in Them

This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord  your God is with you wherever you go. ~ Joshua 1:9

We departed the Kansas City area on Saturday, November 12, to begin our drive to Washington.  I was very naive to think that this drive would be a breeze.  I guess all of my driving back and forth from San Antonio to Kansas City made me a little cocky.  I was way off!!  Driving through the mountains sucks!!

I was driving one of our automobiles with *B and our dog in the backseat.  *P was driving our other car and we would stay right with each other the who0le way.  *P and I would communicate with one another using walkie-talkies.  So old school, and so fun.

The first leg of our trip took us through northwest Missouri and across Nebraska.  First off, let me say that I truly believe that it might actually rain animals in northern Missouri and eastern Nebraska.  I have never seem so much roadkill in my life!  It actually became a bit of a game with *P and I as we began counting dead deer we'd see.  By the time we got to our hotel near the border of Nebraska and Wyoming, we were at 34 dead deer.

This, of course, made me kind of nervous (okay, paranoid) that I would actually hit a deer myself.  Luckily, I didn't.  In fact, I'd only seen about 3 live deer far off in the distance during the entire 8 hour drive.  On the following day, however, when we pulled off of the highway to stop at a McDonald's, a huge deer was moseying along, crossing the exit right in front of me!

On Sunday, we headed off to our destination which was to be someplace in Oregon.  Yeah, we never got there.  You see, when we entered a town called Laramie in Wyoming the highway that we were on (I-80) was closed.  We decided to take a detour at highway 287 - but this was also closed.  Can you say "frustration"!?  We ended up back-tracking for an hour to Cheyenne and hopping on I-25 north.  This would hook up with I-90 and take us to Fort Lewis eventually.  We stayed the night in Billings, Montana, after an 11 hour drive.  SO TIRED and SO over it.

I reluctantly woke up the next day to continue our drive.  Oh how I just wanted to turn around and go home -- wherever home was!  We would now be taking I-90 west and stop in a town called Liberty Lake, Washington, near Spokane.  This drive was going to take about 9 hours, including some stops for potty breaks.

Off we went.  Little did we know that this day would contain its own little nightmare.

Everything was fine and good for quite some time and we stopped in Missoula to have lunch.  My dad had warned me, via text, that there was snow and ice in the mountains that we were headed for.  But, he said that it looked as though it may be clearing up.  I thought he said that it may get bad in Idaho, so as long as we were still in Wyoming, I had no worries.  Plus, there was no sign of bad weather as far as the eye could see.  'Course, in the mountains, the eye cannot see very far at all.

We were cruising right along and it became a bit cloudy but no big deal.  Then, a little bit of snow was falling, but nothing major.  When suddenly, as we came around a bend, traffic was at a stand still.  Apparently, a storm had just pushed through the area (as Dad said) and left a good bit of ice on the highway that some cars and semis could not drive on.

Once *P's car came to a stop, it, too, could not grip the ice.  Then, the snow began to really fall.

There we were...stuck....in a snowstorm...in the mountains...with NO cellphone reception.  It was 4:20pm.  We were, literally, one hour from our destination.  And now we weren't moving.

I admit, I had a little breakdown after one hour had passed.  *B was sitting in the car with *P on this day, so I was alone in my car.  I didn't bawl my eyes out, but tears definitely fell and I was praying for peace and for help.  After awhile, *P came to sit in my car and I sat in his so that I could spend some time with *B.  I thought that perhaps *B would be afraid or bored.  But he was totally opposite of that - he was having a blast!  That kid is amazing!  He definitely made me feel happier inside.  I was so thankful that *P was going through this with me, too.  Can you imagine if I was making this trip alone!?  Oh my goodness, I would have freaked out!

Soon, it became dark.  And the snow was piling up.

Did I mention that I had to pee?  After 2 hours, I had to give in.  Yes, I did it.  I peed in a plastic bowl that was in the car.  It was dark outside and there was about an inch of snow on the windows, so no one could see me.  (So I tell myself)  Soon after that humiliating moment, *B said that his tummy was hurting and that he had to go Number Two.  Yikes!!   That same bowl came in handy as he "let it loose" and made his tummy feel better.  Good times, good times.  Indeed.

Three hours from the moment when we got stuck, a snow plow came through and we began to move again.  Halleluiah!  I was SO OVER THIS DRIVE by now.  I was at my wits end.  Being stranded for three hours in the mountains with no ability to contact the outside world will fry your nerves. 

We cautiously drove the rest of the way out of the mountains but, again, didn't get to our planned destination.  We stopped in Coeur d'Alene and called it a day.  (A horrible day.)  After all, we'd been in the car for 11 hours.  When we finally got cellphone reception, I called my folks.  I knew that they'd been wondering and worrying about us, since I basically lost all contact with them for 3 hours well after I should have already been checked into our hotel.  My mom was worried sick about us!  But, thankfully, we made it in one piece to our hotel and got some much-needed rest.

Our final day of driving was only supposed to take about 6 hours.  But, after the past 3 days of driving and encountering unforeseen trouble, I was prepared for another 9 hours+.  But, as luck would have it, our last day of driving was gorgeous!  The sun was shining, the skies were clear, and we really did make it to Joint Base Lewis-McChord in just about 6.5 hours.

What a relief!  I was so ready to be finished with our road trip and I never, ever, ever want to drive through the mountains in the fall (more like winter) again.  Ever.

I admit, the drive was gorgeous, for quite some time.  The scenery was amazing and, at times, seemed like it was right out of the movies.  Absolutely amazing!

But, I will never forget being stuck in them and wondering if we were going to freeze to death there.  I over-react, I know.  I just kept thinking of the story of the Kim family getting stuck in the Oregon mountains that I'd seen on ABC's 20/20 not too long ago.

I thank the Lord that He got us safely through those mountains - and safely to our new home at Joint Base Lewis-McChord.  I am looking to our future here.

The Beginning of Another Move

I know your deeds, your love and faith, your service and perseverance, and that you are now doing more than you did at first. ~ Revelation 2:19

*P graduated from the Biomedical Equipment Technician program on October 26.  I can honestly say that I have never been more proud of him and his accomplishments in the past 9 months.  He had the highest Army GPA in his class and just missed the Dean's List by less than 1 point.  He won a scholarship which he plans to use to finish up his degree.  (He's so close!!)

Here we are, getting set to move to a new base - our "official" first PCS.  (Our move to Fort Sam Houston was for *P's AIT).  We are headed to Joint Base Lewis-McChord in Washington state.

Scheduling this move went a little smoother than the first time.  Although, once again, i forgot to send the application to the Shipping Office within the 6 day time period required...so I had to schedule our move all over again after it was cancelled.  One of these days I will get with the program!

The "packers" arrived on October 27th and the "movers" loaded our things onto the truck on October 28th.  *P was approved for a 10-day leave in addition to a week off that he was already planning, so we decided to head off to my folks' house in the Kansas City area to spend a couple weeks there before leaving for the pacific northwest.

I gotta say, it is very difficult having packers and movers in your home when there is a 3 year old running about.  Thank goodness for our sweet neighbor, *A, who offered to keep both *B and our dog over at her apartment while all the commotion took place.  I don't know what we'd have done without her - besides probably lose our minds!

We kept a few of *B's things off of the moving truck, such as books, coloring materials, his play dishes, and some sticker books.  Once we get to Washington, I get the feeling that it may be a challenge to keep *B occupied without having most of his toys around.  But, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

The movers were finished loading the moving truck around 2pm on Friday, so we headed off towards Kansas City about an hour later.   Note to self:  Don't ever begin a road trip the same day as the moving truck is loaded.  It was just a very busy time and we got very little sleep in the nights lading up to it...that drive was just painful.  I have never been so tired when driving in all of my life.  I was just spent!  We stayed overnight in Oklahoma and continued the other half of our drive on Saturday.  Thanks goodness for that, because all we wanted to do was sleep!

And so begins another new journey for us...

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